Da' crib

You can finally be your own man, in your own house, with the woman you loves and your kids. One big, happy family. Deciding where you wants to live will be a big decision for you. You have to take several things into consideration, along with the obvious issues of price and location, you will also need a place where you can blend in and not stand out too much. You must look like your environment, like Smokey Robinson at an Asian resturant. The one thing you must grasp is that your new position in life will no longer allow you live in the slums. There are different levels to housing and at different phases in life you move up the 'housing' ladder till you find yourself in a Shaq type house. Let me take some time to explain the lower 3 levels and then we can help you decide.

Level 1-The slums: This is the lowest level on the rung bro; it's just a notch above homelessness. It doesn't get any worse than this. Rats as big as dogs...roaches as big as rats. You share the bathroom facilities with five other tenants. Every single person who lives here is unemployed, most are fresh out of jail, and some are Mexicans that are fresh off a battle with border patrol. Is this the place for Andre? Hell no! He'd get his ass killed up in here. Niggas would steal you blind and eventually kill you to get your maroon colored Timberlands. But maybe you can live on...........

Level 2-The ghetto: The ghetto is a step up from the slums. The rats and roaches are a lot smaller, but still there. You get your own bathroom but half the time it's broken and good luck trying to get the landlord to fix it. Most people who live here work for minimum wage. Some of them are unemployed, but with income coming in from Uncle Sam, nothing much but enough to pay rent. Another name for this level is 'crack head row'. This is also not the right place for you and your family. Some crack head might break in and try and steal his TV. There would be some jealousy among the tenants...they would get in his face and try to test him ("You think you better than me nigga?") then one day, in a battle over some barbequed ribs, they would end up killing the man. Level 2? No way!! He may have better luck with....

Level 3-The hood: This is a significant step up from the ghetto. One might sometimes spot a rat or a roach, but it's pretty rare. The bathroom works and the landlord doesn't take as long...don't get me wrong, he's still going to take a hell of a long time to "take care of you", but the wait is not as bad as with the ghetto. Some of the 'hood' residents include the neighborhood 'pharmacist', the hair stylist, wannabe pimps and hustlers and some young workers. This is the ideal housing situation for you. You're around people who are for the most part on the same level as you, you can blend in. There is little or no jealousy cause some of the people who live here are probably doing better and making more money than you. They don't need your 24' TV...because niggas got the 50 inch. Finally you has found your 'housing level' and can settle in and concentrate on other things.

Now that you know where you should live, you need to take steps to ensure your living conditions are above mediocre. You must try and make your home as comfortable as possible to keep your girl happy. The better your crib is, the less chance of your girl getting suspicious of you should you decide to be a playa and sample other booty juices. Allow me to explain. Let us assume your crib is wack, all you has is a 12inch TV, a old loveseat and a cassette player. On the nights he claims to be working late but is really 'bumpin' and grindin' at Tameka's house, his girl is at home bored. And you know what they say about the idle mind and the devil's workshop. Because she's so bored, she gets the urge to call him up and 'chat'. He's not at work. She begins to get suspicious and eventually our wannabe playa will get caught. All because of a wack crib. Now let's say you use all at your disposal to 'hook up' your pad. Big screen TV, cable, CD changer, computer with internet connection and all that good stuff she never had living at his mama's house and decides he wants to 'work late'. His girl is home watching Dave Chappell after that she's reminded of the 'Good Times' marathon, she gets word of a new song by 'Ginuwine' and runs to the PC to download it, while there she's caught in a chat room and then it's back to the TV for a re-run of her favorite soap. She don't have time to miss the nigga, she's too busy with other stuff to worry about Andre's cheating ass and all because he took the time to make his crib nice.
Hooking up a crib is easier than most people think. You don't have to make tons of money to make your crib look nice; you just got to know how to find the good stuff. Keep your eyes open for garage sales; you'll be surprised how much good stuff you can find there for little dough. Go to apartment buildings in nice neighborhoods (i.e. white areas) and find the laundry room. When white folks are about to move away, they tend to sell off most of their really good stuff for cheap because they want to get rid of it all before they move. You'll be amazed how much great stuff you can find for very little. Take a bag of weed with you, white folks get really stupid when they're high and he might just give you all his shit for free. ("I like you man, you're way cool...I'll tell you what...I'll just give you all the stuff man...my people have done your people wrong. It's the least I can do") Also don't be scared to have your girl do some leg work. Women have some 'assets' that give them access to favors guys would never receive. Besides, she's going to live there too aint she?...she better get her ass out there and flirt her way to a big screen TV or at least a PlayStation 2 and a few games. Get friendly with the tech guys at work. That's not that hard to do, they are usually some nerds with no social life. Pretend to be his friend, take him to a strip club and buy him a lap dance, make him feel 'cool' for once in his life and he'll be eating right out of your hands. He'll keep you informed on any old PC's the company is trying to get rid of. He can help you salvage some of these parts and next thing you know, you've got your very own home computer. To get internet access, all you have to do is remember dates. Sign up for service; this usually comes with some free time. Enjoy all the free time and cancel. Move on to another provider and do the same. Keep doing that till you run out of providers, then start gain from the top. You should never have to pay a dime for the internet...it's your God given right as a black man. To anyone of you reading this book...if you pay for your internet service, you're a disgrace. Cable is pretty much standard. Every apartment complex has a disgruntled former cable company employee, who won't rest till every home in the complex has free cable! Call him up, have him hook it up, and proceed to enjoy free cable guilt free. It's sad how they treated your buddy. This is your way of protesting for all the wrongfully fired cable employees all over America...by watching free cable! Live it up, Enjoy, and by all means pass his number on to a few of your friends, so they too can support the cause.
We are all witnessing something so beautiful; it brings a tear to the eye. Just like yesterday, our man you waere a no good lay about. Now you got his own crib with a woman who loves you and he's steadily moving up. We shall return to him in a later chapter to further ease him up the 'success ladder'. But for now, I have to address the niggas who aint got love for their baby mama's. The men who decide to call it quits with their girl and venture into the dark and dangerous world of dating. The fools who have chosen to be................