white girls

CHAPTER 3:
White girls:

It is impossible for me to write a guide blog for black males without dedicating a chapter to white women. White women seem to have become every black man’s favorite accessory, never has inter-racial dating been more popular, or as widely accepted as it is today. All anyone needs to do to see a ‘brotha’ cuddling up to a white girl, is take a drive down the street and there will be a lot to see.
There are several theories on why this is. Some people choose to reduce this ‘beautiful’ union of the races to the barest minimum and attribute the interest of white women in black men to sex. It is their claim that the size of the black penis is what drives hordes of white women to black nightspots seeking a ‘Mandingo’ to satisfy their lustful desires. Others claim the popularity of hip-hop music has a lot to do with it and that because more white people are listening to black music and going to hip-hop concerts and clubs, they are more inclined to meet black people and build relationships. Whatever you believe, the sad truth is that for a black man to enjoy a smooth life in America, he needs to have a white woman to help him. A white woman plays a significant role in the life of a black male, so for this chapter, I have decided to provide you with a guide to some ways a white woman can be of assistance in your life. It’s called….

The 13 uses of White women

Cosigner: A time will come in your life where you will be faced with one of the more dreaded things in a black man’s life…the credit check. Just like you expect, the sales associate will return bearing bad news, he will politely tell you that you have ‘insufficient’ credit (a nice way to say your credit’s fucked up) and that for your request to be processed, you need a cosigner. It’s obvious you can’t go to your boys, because they probably have worse credit than you. You can’t go to anybody in your family because you still owe them all money. The solution lies with a white girl, call up Heather, she’ll be more than happy to help. Be sure to pay her back with the ‘anaconda’

Phone Operator: How many times have you called to ask for information about something and you get dismissed because your name and accent gives you away as a definite black male? More than you like I’m sure. But with a white girl making the calls for you, how can you go wrong? “Hello…this is Jennifer O’Leary, I’m calling to inquire about the apartment on Grant Ave” that is definitely better than “Yo…this is Rahim, I wanna know if yall still got the hookup for that crib on Grant Ave”



Designated driver: Every time you take out your car the cops keeps sweating you right? Well, just hand the wheel over to Nicole and you never have to worry about cops, because we all know for a fact that pretty, white girls never get tickets. Anyone who doubts this should pay a visit to the local courthouse and see for themselves.

Sex slave: There is no doubt that black men among the freakiest creatures God put on this earth. Make no mistake about it, black women can be just as freaky, but they have limits. There are some things you will suggest to a sista that will get your ass kicked and thrown out of bed. Not so with white women, their sexual experimentation knows no boundaries. So if you ever want to take a walk on the wild side, you better know a white girl you can call.

Delivery girl: You have a problem. The pigeons are miles away making a huge delivery, and you need someone to help you deliver some ‘rocks’ ASAP. You can’t go because every cop in the block knows who you are and what you do for a living. You can’t send any of the usual area kids it’s early afternoon and they all in school. You need someone practically undetectable and reliable to get you out of this jam, and the only person that can help you is a white girl. She can practically wear the crack as a pendant around her neck and walk into a police station and still leave with nothing more than phone numbers. Have two white female ‘friends’ handy for such emergencies.

Ticket agent: There are few guarantees when a black man gets drafted into the NBA or NFL. Is he going to be another Kevin Garnett or a Kwame Brown? Will he put up Chris Carter like numbers or are we just looking at another James Trash? Nobody knows for sure. The only thing we can guarantee, is that he will date or marry a white woman. There is an inexplicable attraction between young, rich black athletes and white women, and you can cash in on this. Be cool with a pretty white girl who likes sports and she can flirt, tease or fuck her way into season tickets. Enjoy the game.

Hotel owner: There will come a time when you will find yourself out on the street. Either mama is mad at you because you sold the TV to support your drug habit, or your girlfriend kicked you out cause she found you had 8 condoms left in the 12 pack and you only had sex with her once since she bought you the pack. Whatever the situation, you will need a place to stay till you can patch things up, you cant possibly stay with your boys, those niggas still live at home with their mamas. Move in with your other girl and you’ll never hear the end of it, so call up your white girlfriend, she’ll be more than happy to have you over to her nice, clean apartment. If she has a room mate then you’re a very lucky bastard, prepare for a threesome.

Bank teller: You’re broke as usual and mama wont let you have any money from her social security check. You’re broke and desperate, so broke you even considered sucking dick to make a quick buck. Put the lip gloss away and holla at your white girlfriend, she’s always got money and she’s always glad to help a brotha, it’s her own way of saying she’s sorry about slavery. Take her money without guilt.

Grocer: A white girl’s fridge is never, ever empty. This is because unlike you and most of the people you know, she actually has a job and doesn’t have to rely on food stamps, and she’s a great asset to have if you need a couple of things before the check comes in. Feel free to go over and help yourself to some pasta, tell her what you like to eat and pretty soon she’ll be stocking up on those things.

Witness: You’re a black male in America, so you’re basically guaranteed several things in life. One of those things is that someday, you’re going to have to appear in court to defend yourself of some charges. Whatever it is that you’re accused of, your best defense is to deny everything and claim you were with someone else, and because everyone you know will have a rap sheet as long as your arm, they wont be considered credible witnesses.
The only witness that can get you off is blonde haired and blue eyed, be warned that this does not guarantee victory in your case, but it improves your odds greatly.

Employment agent: Women have a way of getting men to do what they want, it’s a special talent that they posses, and that goes double if that woman happens to be white. If you ever need a job, holla at a white girl and pretty soon she’ll be able to find you employment, it’s just one of the skills white girls have.

Bait: Sometimes, a white girl can actually be used as bait to get more sistas interested in you. The situation is kinda like that of a gay man, there are always some cocky, sexy women who believe they have what it takes to straighten him out and make a woman lover out of him. This effect sometimes carry over to black men who are seen with white women, some sistas will see you with this white woman and take it upon themselves to ‘show you the light’ and make you see that sistas are the way to go. Try going to your high school reunion or a friend’s party with a white girl in tow, then sit back and watch your phone ring off the hook days later with sistas asking if you “…want to hang out?”

Status Booster: There is something about dating a white girl that gives a nigga a sense he has finally arrived. It’s almost as if regardless of what you have accomplished in life, it’s not complete till you have a white girl by your side, this seems to be the ultimate prestige booster. So, when you feel down and out, and you need a little pick-me-up, something to make you feel like you have O.J Simpson or Taye Diggs type money, go ahead and find you a white girl. Just walking down the street with her will make you feel a lot better about yourself.