Drugs, pimping and robbing

The drug dealer: You have chosen a dangerous and difficult road my friend. But I will try and help you make it less...huh...risky. First thing we have to address is your look. Anyone with any sense at all can spot a drug dealer from a mile away and it baffles me why cops have such a hard time getting it right. The guy who can afford several pagers and a nice car but somehow can't afford a home phone. You see him at the corner pay phone five or six times a day. Can you guess what he does for a living? No prizes on this one. You might as well wear a t-shirt that reads "The bitch of cell block B" cause that's what you're going to be when you get busted. It's 2004, and technology has become your best friend. Throw away all the old fashioned pagers and get a 2-way pager. This way you receive orders from the comfort of your home and you don't need to get up and go find a pay phone 'cause you can send delivery instructions right back on the 2-way.
Another issue is the delivery. It's too risky and the chance of being caught in possession is very high. You need a safer, more efficient way to get your drugs to your customers with minimal hassle. Kids are no longer a viable alternative, the cops are on to that gig, plus child labor laws keep getting stricter. If you can convince 'big momma' your 79yr old grandma to help ("hey big momma...wanna make a delivery for me? I got some extra strength 'Ben gay' for you when you come back") I doubt the old lady will make it back alive. Solution? Homing pigeons! Yes nigga...you read it right. Pigeons! These birds have a keen sense of direction and can find their way back home after the delivery. You don't need to give them a 'cut' of your earnings and best of all; I'd like to see the 'popos' pin a drug possession charge on a bird. Buy a dozen pigeons and get them trained. When all the details of an 'order' has been worked out and you got your scrilla in your pocket, get out your 'Pharmaceuticals' and tie a dime bag to the feet of each pigeon. The number of pigeons needed, will obviously depend of the size of the order. Release the birds and off they go to deliver your drugs...uh...I mean prescriptions to the desired location. No risks. No paper trail and best of all no cost.

The Pimp: Some of the greatest black philosophers and thinkers of our age, Big Daddy Kane, Ice-T, and Snoop Dogg, have all echoed the same sentiment "Pimpin' aint easy." Truer words have never been spoken. To be successful in this trade you have chosen, a young black man needs a sugar coated tongue, a kind heart and a mean ass backhand. The hard part is getting started and finding the girls to commit to you. You gotta start small and work your way up. Start with the neighborhood crack heads and homeless women. Clean her up, buy a sexy dress, and put her on the streets to "make you that money". Obviously, having the homeless and some crack heads as working girls will not bring in very much money. I doubt many guys are lining up to fuck the girl on the corner who keeps itching her face and ass or the one who leads them to a cardboard box minutes after she says "Lets go back to my place." The time will come that you need to step it up and get better quality women that can make you a whole lot more money. Don't even bother trying to hit up the strip clubs, every wanna-be pimp in town will be right there competing with you and as we know competition can get deadly or at least cost you a broken leg and a few cracked ribs. So you need to turn where few other people would dare...the college campus! Think about it for a second. These college girls are already wild and out of control, they sleep with strangers at will. You doubt it? Pay a visit to 'Black spring break' in Florida, 'Freaknic' in Atlanta or 'Kappa beach party' in Texas and see for yourself. If they're going to be freaks, they might as well get paid off it. Go to one of these events and holla at as many girls as you can. You have to talk to a lot of them because for every ten girls you spit game at, you might get just two to commit. It don't matter how tight your game is, that's just the way it is. Don't be scared to talk to the really fine ones, you'd be surprised to find the finest ones are the freakiest. Once you have assembled your harem, the next step is to beat them down mentally. It sounds harsh I know, but no girl with any self esteem is going to turn to a life of prostitution. You have to give them a reason to think there is no other way. She can't work at a restaurant because she'll never earn enough to finish school. Work at an office? Nope. They only hire blue-eyed blonde white girls. You have to make her believe you and you alone hold the key to a better life. It might seem hard now, but wait till I put you in 'Prada' and Chinchilla mink coats. Wait till you are driving the 2004 H2 hummer sitting on 24's. Once you got your girls, you need your clientele. This is actually the easiest part of all because history has taught us that guys love to fuck. Give us a half decent girl with a fat ass and we're ready to go. No hesitation. You once again will have to decide your level of comfort. If you're content with having the girls work the street corners and bring you back some change on a daily basis, by all means do that. Some of you might desire more and wants a higher class of customers and a lot more money. This will require you to dip into you piggy bank and find a nice location for the girls to live and where the customers can go and make 'house calls'. If you want to further broaden your horizons, you can set up web cams in the house and take your business to the web of sin and evil called the internet. Which ever way you decide to go is entirely up to you. I hope this info helps you get started. All I ask is for an 'all access' pass to the house.

The robber: First of all let me say...shame on you! There is nothing worse than having someone come take away something you've worked so hard to get. To steal from a man is one of the worst things you can do to him. It's despicable and unforgivable. Having said all that let me give you some pointers to make you a successful robber. The first and most important thing you got to do is decide what exactly you want to steal. It's bad enough you're a thief, but to be an indecisive thief is even worse. You got to specialize nigga! You can't be stealing cars one day and try to break into a house the next. You're asking for trouble because you won't be as good with one as you are with the other and eventually you'll fuck up and get caught. If you decide to steal cars, be the best damn car thief you can be. You have to decide if you're going to be the 'stop light' car thief or the 'parking lot' thief. The first one is the nigga that comes up to the old white man in the brand new Cadillac, points a gun in his face and tell him to "...get the fuck out." This is best for you if you aint good at all that technical shit and just want a car quick and easy. This is also the fastest way to get a vacation at the nearest maximum security prison. The parking lot thief requires some skill. You have to study, hang out with mechanics, and learn all you can about car alarm systems. The risk associated with this kind of car stealing is minimal but you got to know what you're doing. Nothing is more embarrassing than having to explain to the tough guys in jail that you were arrested trying to get into the car! If you decide you'd rather steal from homes, you have to pick your neighborhood very carefully. You can't pick an area that is too rich or too white. The cops patrol those areas like crazy and they have all those high tech security gadgets. Besides, what the hell would a black man be doing in that neighborhood anyhow? The cops would be on you like Ruben Studdard on a Twinkie. Pick a nice middle class area with diverse population. Avoid Mexican homes bro...Someone is always home....scratch that...a lot of people are always home. Unless you rolling in there with an army I suggest you stay away. Find a home occupied by a working couple and stake it out for a few days. Get to know their schedules. Once you get a working knowledge of what they do, you must decide if you want to rob the house while they are home or away. Obviously it's less risky to wait till the home owners are away and make your move but having them home while you rob has its advantages. If you go in alone, you run the risk of missing things the home owners can show you. They might have a safe with thousands of dollars hidden behind the picture of Grandma Eva and you'll never know. But if they home, you just need the right kind of 'persuasion' and they'll show you all the hidden treasures. If you're a house thief, be just that. Don't get distracted by other things, remember you're a thief not a rapist or a sadist. Don't use time intended for enriching yourself off the efforts of others to indulge your sexual needs. Focus on all the honies you'll be able to get with the money. Why risk getting caught cause Mrs. Homeowner got ghetto booty? It aint worth it bro, the only exception is if you ever break into a house and find Beyonce and Kellis having a slumber party, wearing tank tops and panties and having a water fight. An important thing to remember is to steal only stuff that is easily sold for cash and easy to carry. Don't bother trying to detach that 50inch plasma TV from the wall. Concentrate on cash and jewelry and leave all that stuff that might look nice but aint worth shit. The best robbers hardly ever have to resort to violence. If you find yourself constantly having to wrestle with the homeowner or get a baseball bat or frying pan upside your head, this might not be a wise career choice. You should be smooth and fast, the whole 'process' should never take more that 20 mins. The better you get, the less time you will need. Ok that's enough advice for you lowlife, I bet you stole your computer too didn't ya? Punk