CHAPTER 3:
White girls:
It is impossible for me to write a guide blog for black males without dedicating a chapter to white women. White women seem to have become every black man’s favorite accessory, never has inter-racial dating been more popular, or as widely accepted as it is today. All anyone needs to do to see a ‘brotha’ cuddling up to a white girl, is take a drive down the street and there will be a lot to see.
There are several theories on why this is. Some people choose to reduce this ‘beautiful’ union of the races to the barest minimum and attribute the interest of white women in black men to sex. It is their claim that the size of the black penis is what drives hordes of white women to black nightspots seeking a ‘Mandingo’ to satisfy their lustful desires. Others claim the popularity of hip-hop music has a lot to do with it and that because more white people are listening to black music and going to hip-hop concerts and clubs, they are more inclined to meet black people and build relationships. Whatever you believe, the sad truth is that for a black man to enjoy a smooth life in America, he needs to have a white woman to help him. A white woman plays a significant role in the life of a black male, so for this chapter, I have decided to provide you with a guide to some ways a white woman can be of assistance in your life. It’s called….
The 13 uses of White women
Cosigner: A time will come in your life where you will be faced with one of the more dreaded things in a black man’s life…the credit check. Just like you expect, the sales associate will return bearing bad news, he will politely tell you that you have ‘insufficient’ credit (a nice way to say your credit’s fucked up) and that for your request to be processed, you need a cosigner. It’s obvious you can’t go to your boys, because they probably have worse credit than you. You can’t go to anybody in your family because you still owe them all money. The solution lies with a white girl, call up Heather, she’ll be more than happy to help. Be sure to pay her back with the ‘anaconda’
Phone Operator: How many times have you called to ask for information about something and you get dismissed because your name and accent gives you away as a definite black male? More than you like I’m sure. But with a white girl making the calls for you, how can you go wrong? “Hello…this is Jennifer O’Leary, I’m calling to inquire about the apartment on Grant Ave” that is definitely better than “Yo…this is Rahim, I wanna know if yall still got the hookup for that crib on Grant Ave”
Designated driver: Every time you take out your car the cops keeps sweating you right? Well, just hand the wheel over to Nicole and you never have to worry about cops, because we all know for a fact that pretty, white girls never get tickets. Anyone who doubts this should pay a visit to the local courthouse and see for themselves.
Sex slave: There is no doubt that black men among the freakiest creatures God put on this earth. Make no mistake about it, black women can be just as freaky, but they have limits. There are some things you will suggest to a sista that will get your ass kicked and thrown out of bed. Not so with white women, their sexual experimentation knows no boundaries. So if you ever want to take a walk on the wild side, you better know a white girl you can call.
Delivery girl: You have a problem. The pigeons are miles away making a huge delivery, and you need someone to help you deliver some ‘rocks’ ASAP. You can’t go because every cop in the block knows who you are and what you do for a living. You can’t send any of the usual area kids it’s early afternoon and they all in school. You need someone practically undetectable and reliable to get you out of this jam, and the only person that can help you is a white girl. She can practically wear the crack as a pendant around her neck and walk into a police station and still leave with nothing more than phone numbers. Have two white female ‘friends’ handy for such emergencies.
Ticket agent: There are few guarantees when a black man gets drafted into the NBA or NFL. Is he going to be another Kevin Garnett or a Kwame Brown? Will he put up Chris Carter like numbers or are we just looking at another James Trash? Nobody knows for sure. The only thing we can guarantee, is that he will date or marry a white woman. There is an inexplicable attraction between young, rich black athletes and white women, and you can cash in on this. Be cool with a pretty white girl who likes sports and she can flirt, tease or fuck her way into season tickets. Enjoy the game.
Hotel owner: There will come a time when you will find yourself out on the street. Either mama is mad at you because you sold the TV to support your drug habit, or your girlfriend kicked you out cause she found you had 8 condoms left in the 12 pack and you only had sex with her once since she bought you the pack. Whatever the situation, you will need a place to stay till you can patch things up, you cant possibly stay with your boys, those niggas still live at home with their mamas. Move in with your other girl and you’ll never hear the end of it, so call up your white girlfriend, she’ll be more than happy to have you over to her nice, clean apartment. If she has a room mate then you’re a very lucky bastard, prepare for a threesome.
Bank teller: You’re broke as usual and mama wont let you have any money from her social security check. You’re broke and desperate, so broke you even considered sucking dick to make a quick buck. Put the lip gloss away and holla at your white girlfriend, she’s always got money and she’s always glad to help a brotha, it’s her own way of saying she’s sorry about slavery. Take her money without guilt.
Grocer: A white girl’s fridge is never, ever empty. This is because unlike you and most of the people you know, she actually has a job and doesn’t have to rely on food stamps, and she’s a great asset to have if you need a couple of things before the check comes in. Feel free to go over and help yourself to some pasta, tell her what you like to eat and pretty soon she’ll be stocking up on those things.
Witness: You’re a black male in America, so you’re basically guaranteed several things in life. One of those things is that someday, you’re going to have to appear in court to defend yourself of some charges. Whatever it is that you’re accused of, your best defense is to deny everything and claim you were with someone else, and because everyone you know will have a rap sheet as long as your arm, they wont be considered credible witnesses.
The only witness that can get you off is blonde haired and blue eyed, be warned that this does not guarantee victory in your case, but it improves your odds greatly.
Employment agent: Women have a way of getting men to do what they want, it’s a special talent that they posses, and that goes double if that woman happens to be white. If you ever need a job, holla at a white girl and pretty soon she’ll be able to find you employment, it’s just one of the skills white girls have.
Bait: Sometimes, a white girl can actually be used as bait to get more sistas interested in you. The situation is kinda like that of a gay man, there are always some cocky, sexy women who believe they have what it takes to straighten him out and make a woman lover out of him. This effect sometimes carry over to black men who are seen with white women, some sistas will see you with this white woman and take it upon themselves to ‘show you the light’ and make you see that sistas are the way to go. Try going to your high school reunion or a friend’s party with a white girl in tow, then sit back and watch your phone ring off the hook days later with sistas asking if you “…want to hang out?”
Status Booster: There is something about dating a white girl that gives a nigga a sense he has finally arrived. It’s almost as if regardless of what you have accomplished in life, it’s not complete till you have a white girl by your side, this seems to be the ultimate prestige booster. So, when you feel down and out, and you need a little pick-me-up, something to make you feel like you have O.J Simpson or Taye Diggs type money, go ahead and find you a white girl. Just walking down the street with her will make you feel a lot better about yourself.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Guide to the jungle (cont)
Where to find: You can find them in droves during super bowl week; they are there at all the parties trying to snag a NFL player. Catch them also during the NBA all-star weekend trying to become Lebron James baby mama. Anywhere there is a celebrity event or a movie premiere party or P Diddy is throwing a party to celebrate 'da band's' new CD, you will find tons of gold diggers all with shovels in hand digging away. The next level of gold diggers can be found at the corporate events looking to find a doctor, lawyer, or big shot music producer. Get into a hip party and you will have several to pick from.
How to capture: Listen to me and listen good. You are about to undertake a very dangerous mission. Failure is not an option, the time has come for broke ass niggas everywhere to unite and take out the evil known as the gold digger from our midst. For too long the gold diggers have made us feel like shit as we drive by in our 1990 Hyundai Sonatas. They have laughed at us because we are unable to afford the real deal and have had to settle for a cheap 'Hugo Boss' knock off sadly spelt 'Hugo Bross'. They have told us to "...please fuck off" when we summon enough courage to step to them and ask for a date. But now the tables turn, now the broke ass nigga pulls off the con of a lifetime and strikes a blow for all the rejects. This is the big time now nigga. Man the fuck up.
First thing you gotta do is decide where you wanna meet the gold diggas that have scorned you so long. Don't even bother trying to pass yourself off as a football or basketball player. Gold diggas can name the full roster of the 1985 Washington redskins and tell you who the 12th man was on the 1979 Chicago Bulls. They know their shit; don't even go there, it won't end well. Your best bet is to come off as a rich professional with lots of money to give away. When you roll into the club, you don't need to overdress. Look nice, but don't overdo it. Most rich professionals don't have time to go shopping and they are not exactly fashion gurus. Wear something expensive but simple (buy something nice on Friday and return it on Monday) it's not your clothes that's going to win her over. It's your car that lets her know just what you're working with. The good news is you don't need a great car right there and then; you just need a good gimmick. Procure fake car keys with the BMW and Jaguar symbols and attach it to your keychain. Walk up to her and offer to buy her a drink, put your car keys in the same pocket your wallet is in. (get 50 $1 bills to make your wallet look extra bulgy and put a $20 bill on either side so it looks like a thick wad of 20's) As you reach for your wallet, pull out your keys and place it on the bar. After you get your drinks, start to walk away from the bar leaving your keys behind. She will pick them up for you and hand it to you. Don't forget she's a gold digger; it's in her nature to check out the keys before she hands it to you and she knows all the car symbols by heart so she'll see your BMW and Jaguar keys and you now have the upper hand. Explain to her that today you drove the Toyota because it's your first time at the club and you weren't sure what kind of crowd would be out. Don't be shy to mention your successful medical practice and how rare it is for you to get out and party. Compliment her on her dress and ask if it's 'Prada'. If she says no, tell her a body like hers should always be covered in nothing but the best. You now come across as rich and generous and you're getting closer to the goal. Truth be told, you're not going to bag a gold digger without spending some money, you will have to open up your wallet, there is no question about that. You're going to have to buy drinks all night and act like it's no big deal. Keep calling for more and more drinks all night and now she's going to be drunk and impressed, ripe for the plucking. Now that you have her where you want her, it's time to make your move. Feel free to touch her and nibble on her neck, get her hot and horny and you now have the perfect trio. A drunk, horny gold digger who thinks she's with a rich doctor. Like I said earlier, this breed is not a cheap lay. You're not going to score spending tens of dollars. Victory comes in spending hundreds as opposed to thousands. You're going to need a nice hotel room, you don't need 5 star, but you can't get by with a cheap motel either. A 'budget suites' should be good enough and it should run you about $70. Once you get her in the hotel room, she'll all yours. She's going to want to pull all the stops to break you off and get you sprung so that you can open up that wallet of yours. Enjoy your night, savor every hip roll, and tongue twirl. Make her work it and dip it low and shake it till your toes curl. This might be the only shot you get at her coochie because if you aint paying her rent and buying her clothes after a couple of weeks you're done. So make sure you hit it as many times as you can. Every time your dick gets hard, wake her ass up and bang her some more, gold diggaz deserve no mercy. Get her number and tell her you'll call her, call her a few days later, and tell her you've been busy with patients but you got some time and you'd like to come see her. Tell her you live somewhere in a rich neighborhood that's a long drive from her house so she won't want to drive out. Go by her crib as often as you can and do your thing. Make big promises to her, shopping sprees, free rent, hair and nail treatments, promise it all and make her believe it. Tell her you never carry cash, all you got are credit cards so you cant leave her any spending money but you got her next time. Soon your game will be up and she'll see you're nothing but a fake nigga. Take delight in the memories of wonderful sex and the knowledge that you too can brag about your week long fling with a gold digga. Then save up some more of your McDonalds paycheck and go after the next one. You must not rest till every last one of them feels the shame of being played by a broke ass nigga.
So there you have it my friend, the 7 known black women breeds laid out to you. You now have access to a secret world that black women have worked hard to protect and I must warn you that assassins are after you even as you read. Your life is now in grave danger; whatever you do you must not let any one know of your new found knowledge. For those of you niggas who have a younger sister and are tempted to share some of these secrets with her to protect her from niggas just like you, I must warn you not to let your selfishness get in the way. Giving away the info contained in this blog can set the black man back hundreds of years. We will no longer be able to enjoy the things that make us men. Besides if you do, I'll kill you myself.
How to capture: Listen to me and listen good. You are about to undertake a very dangerous mission. Failure is not an option, the time has come for broke ass niggas everywhere to unite and take out the evil known as the gold digger from our midst. For too long the gold diggers have made us feel like shit as we drive by in our 1990 Hyundai Sonatas. They have laughed at us because we are unable to afford the real deal and have had to settle for a cheap 'Hugo Boss' knock off sadly spelt 'Hugo Bross'. They have told us to "...please fuck off" when we summon enough courage to step to them and ask for a date. But now the tables turn, now the broke ass nigga pulls off the con of a lifetime and strikes a blow for all the rejects. This is the big time now nigga. Man the fuck up.
First thing you gotta do is decide where you wanna meet the gold diggas that have scorned you so long. Don't even bother trying to pass yourself off as a football or basketball player. Gold diggas can name the full roster of the 1985 Washington redskins and tell you who the 12th man was on the 1979 Chicago Bulls. They know their shit; don't even go there, it won't end well. Your best bet is to come off as a rich professional with lots of money to give away. When you roll into the club, you don't need to overdress. Look nice, but don't overdo it. Most rich professionals don't have time to go shopping and they are not exactly fashion gurus. Wear something expensive but simple (buy something nice on Friday and return it on Monday) it's not your clothes that's going to win her over. It's your car that lets her know just what you're working with. The good news is you don't need a great car right there and then; you just need a good gimmick. Procure fake car keys with the BMW and Jaguar symbols and attach it to your keychain. Walk up to her and offer to buy her a drink, put your car keys in the same pocket your wallet is in. (get 50 $1 bills to make your wallet look extra bulgy and put a $20 bill on either side so it looks like a thick wad of 20's) As you reach for your wallet, pull out your keys and place it on the bar. After you get your drinks, start to walk away from the bar leaving your keys behind. She will pick them up for you and hand it to you. Don't forget she's a gold digger; it's in her nature to check out the keys before she hands it to you and she knows all the car symbols by heart so she'll see your BMW and Jaguar keys and you now have the upper hand. Explain to her that today you drove the Toyota because it's your first time at the club and you weren't sure what kind of crowd would be out. Don't be shy to mention your successful medical practice and how rare it is for you to get out and party. Compliment her on her dress and ask if it's 'Prada'. If she says no, tell her a body like hers should always be covered in nothing but the best. You now come across as rich and generous and you're getting closer to the goal. Truth be told, you're not going to bag a gold digger without spending some money, you will have to open up your wallet, there is no question about that. You're going to have to buy drinks all night and act like it's no big deal. Keep calling for more and more drinks all night and now she's going to be drunk and impressed, ripe for the plucking. Now that you have her where you want her, it's time to make your move. Feel free to touch her and nibble on her neck, get her hot and horny and you now have the perfect trio. A drunk, horny gold digger who thinks she's with a rich doctor. Like I said earlier, this breed is not a cheap lay. You're not going to score spending tens of dollars. Victory comes in spending hundreds as opposed to thousands. You're going to need a nice hotel room, you don't need 5 star, but you can't get by with a cheap motel either. A 'budget suites' should be good enough and it should run you about $70. Once you get her in the hotel room, she'll all yours. She's going to want to pull all the stops to break you off and get you sprung so that you can open up that wallet of yours. Enjoy your night, savor every hip roll, and tongue twirl. Make her work it and dip it low and shake it till your toes curl. This might be the only shot you get at her coochie because if you aint paying her rent and buying her clothes after a couple of weeks you're done. So make sure you hit it as many times as you can. Every time your dick gets hard, wake her ass up and bang her some more, gold diggaz deserve no mercy. Get her number and tell her you'll call her, call her a few days later, and tell her you've been busy with patients but you got some time and you'd like to come see her. Tell her you live somewhere in a rich neighborhood that's a long drive from her house so she won't want to drive out. Go by her crib as often as you can and do your thing. Make big promises to her, shopping sprees, free rent, hair and nail treatments, promise it all and make her believe it. Tell her you never carry cash, all you got are credit cards so you cant leave her any spending money but you got her next time. Soon your game will be up and she'll see you're nothing but a fake nigga. Take delight in the memories of wonderful sex and the knowledge that you too can brag about your week long fling with a gold digga. Then save up some more of your McDonalds paycheck and go after the next one. You must not rest till every last one of them feels the shame of being played by a broke ass nigga.
So there you have it my friend, the 7 known black women breeds laid out to you. You now have access to a secret world that black women have worked hard to protect and I must warn you that assassins are after you even as you read. Your life is now in grave danger; whatever you do you must not let any one know of your new found knowledge. For those of you niggas who have a younger sister and are tempted to share some of these secrets with her to protect her from niggas just like you, I must warn you not to let your selfishness get in the way. Giving away the info contained in this blog can set the black man back hundreds of years. We will no longer be able to enjoy the things that make us men. Besides if you do, I'll kill you myself.
Black man's guide to the female jungle
CHAPTER THREE:
The single nigga.
For those of you reading this chapter, let me start by commending you on your bravery. You are about to begin a journey so complex, so full of conflict and turmoil, it can make the Michael Jackson lifestyle desirable. To be a single black man in America is not an easy task. A nigga must take on the role of a skilled hunter. He must understand his prey and know what he needs to do to capture the woman of his choice. This is 2007 nigga, gone are the days when all you needed was a car and a jerry curl, today's black women seek more, they got their own shit. Some of them are even doing better than most niggas (see Oprah and Steadman, Whitney and Bobby, Tamia and Grant Hill). The first thing you're going to need to be successful, is a guide to the strange and exotic species known as the black woman. So far, 7 different breeds of the black woman are known to be in existence. Each needs to be handled differently. So without further ado, I present to you...
The black man's guide to the female jungle.
Breed #1 The 'Afro centric': Every black male who gets out at all will eventually come across of these at least once. You see them around all the time as this is a fast growing breed. They are the ones with the long thin braids that take hours to put in; the ones with beads hanging from their necks, and an impossible to pronounce name. They feel a strange connection to the 'motherland', and seek out knowledge about their roots. A possible example might be India Arie or Goapele. The afro centric woman has a lot of passion and holds the key to a world of sexual satisfaction beyond comprehension. They usually have little or no inhibitions, most are proponents of free love and see nothing wrong with purely physical relationships. They love with all their hearts, so be prepared to stick with them for a long ass time. Break their hearts and they usually break your neck. Make no mistake, they will burn your clothes, put sugar in your gas tank and e-mail pictures of you in a thong and holding a dildo to your employers. Approach with caution.
Where to find: Pay a visit to your local poetry club, you should find her reading her poem about starving kids in Africa. Hang around the salons that offer 'real African braids'. Go to reggae and Jazz concerts as there are an abundant number of them there. If all else fail, jump on a plane, and head to Africa.
How to capture: Approach her after her poetry reading and produce a fake picture (this can be cut out from a number of magazines) of a starving African child you have chosen to sponsor. Buy her a drink and discuss the growing need for democracy in Africa. You don't need an extensive knowledge of the issues, she'll do most of the talking, just agree with her and add "...you're so right...I feel the same way" from time to time. During the course of the night find a way to mention your Fela Anikulapo Kuti CD collection. She'll be impressed. Invite her over sometime to listen to it and she'll agree.
Decorate your apartment with a few African artifacts that can be procured at any flea market. Pass her wicked test of staying awake through a 2 hr BBC documentary about 'Farming practices in West Africa' and she'll all yours. Enjoy.
Breed #2 the 'choir girl': This breed is perhaps the most confusing of all the female breeds. Some of them have been cross-bred with another breed 'the freak' (which will be discussed soon), and it is sometimes hard to tell the difference. The cross-bred ones, are the girls have been spotted in the club on a Saturday night 'backing it up' and 'shaking it like a Polaroid picture'. Let me make this clear, these are not the real deal. The breed I am talking about is the original, true blue, God fearing, tongue speaking, dancing-down-the aisle choir girl. To capture a choir girl takes a great deal of patience and dedication, but trust me my friends...it's worth every second of it. Once captured, this breed has every tool needed to kill you with loving. They love to cook, love to sing, and once the choir robe comes off and the bedroom door is closed, they can make the sex scenes in 'Jason's Lyric' look like an episode of 'Sesame Street'. But to get to the bedroom is a long and tedious road most men fear to tread. It usually helps if you're a church going, God fearing young man. But if you aren't and you got your mind set on a choir girl, there are ways around that. (May God have mercy on you)
Where to find: It's Ironic how although this breed is one of the harder ones to capture, it's the easiest to find. Walk into any church service on a Sunday morning and you'll have several to choose from. You will have to commit to several Wednesday night bible studies and some Friday prayer meeting as this is your best chance to make contact.
How to capture: Like I said earlier, if you're already a 'believer', then hooking up with a choir girl should not be that hard. But if you're reading this book right now, chances are you're a heathen and you'll need to be a tad fake...ok maybe a whole lot fake. Be warned that what you are about to do is a very bad thing. You are about to weasel, lie and worm your way into the life of one of God's own children, and there is a chance you might be struck dead by lightening, but the payoff is worth it. First thing you need to do is obviously show up in church. Make sure you're looking good, dress yourself up a little bro. Uncle Ruben's pimp suit from the sixties isn't going to cut it this time. Pick a spot that allows you a good view of the choir so that you can select your target. This also allows your target to see you looking all good and sexy like a glass of raspberry iced tea on a hot summer day. Feel free to raise your hands in worship and expose your diamond bracelet (fake diamonds...but who cares?) Do your praise dance that involves subtle hip thrusting and ass shaking and watch the ladies in the choir sweat. This is called the 'planting of the seed'; now, the church ladies all know there is a fine new brotha in the congregation. I sometimes believe that more hook-ups have taken place in a church than any club in the country. The single sistas are always on the prowl for a nice, Christian brotha, and this is what you must become. After service, find the choir girl of your choice and compliment her on her singing, be brief and charming and remember to mention that you intend to be at Wednesday bible study to guarantee that she'll show up. Before you head out for fellowship with the brethren on Wednesday, make you you memorize a few verses of scripture so that you can sound like you're one of the chosen. I realize this might be impossible for some of you, because you have sinned so much handling the bible sends a sharp pain through your arm. For you guys I have gone to great lengths to come up with a few phrases that might help. Just memorize these, and say them from time to time and you should be fine.
1. "The Lord works in mysterious ways"
2. "In Jesus you will find ----------------" (insert whatever you want here. Joy, peace, hope, anything you feel is needed will fit in just fine.)
3. "We can never overstate the---------------- of the Lord" (one again insert a word there to suit the situation Mercy, goodness...whatever works)
At bible study, seek out your chosen choir girl and explain to her how you found the Lord. Make up a dramatic story about how you were once a bad boy, choir girls like reformed bad boys because they like the feeling of knowing you can 'flip the script' on them and show them a thing or two in the bedroom or the confession booth, whichever works for you. Tell how you happened to walk into church on Sunday and how you feel the spirit is telling you this should be your new church home. Tell her how the singing on Sunday brought tears to your eyes as you thought about how far you've come and how much the Lord has done for you. Then listen. Act interested in her. Let her tell you her own stories of salvation, try not to look bored as she gives you testimony after testimony and with each one, repeat phrase # 3 from above. You might have to stick out 2 straight weeks of bible study to build a relationship with your chosen choir girl. At this time, you are practically a church member, and its okay for you to ask her out on a date. Take her to a movie or something the first time and make sure you're a perfect gentleman. Any attempt to kiss her or get physical in any way and you're done. She'll label you a 'carnal' man out for only fleshy delights and you will need to start over in another church. All your good work is down the drain. The second date is where you want to strike. Invite her over to the crib for a night of bible study and devotion. Before she arrives, hide the TV, books or any other form of entertainment there is at the crib. Boredom in this case is your friend. After an hour or so of bible study, there will be nothing left to do, no TV to watch or Kirk Franklin CD's to listen to, just you and her. Talk to her for a few minutes and be as charming and sweet as you can be. By now her resistance is weakening and she's also bored to death. Kissing you is something to do, it beats sitting around staring at the walls, so by the time you make your move you should find receptive lips. Don't get too excited. you're not going to 'score' a choir girl that easy, she will eventually push you away when the kissing gets too intense and tell you she has to go and you are a temptation in her life. There is a possibility she will avoid you and it will be harder to get her alone again. So to avoid that, you must push her away first. You must be the one to give the speech about how bad a thing you're doing and how sorry you are you allowed yourself get carried away. You have shown her you're a man of principle, not a slave to your flesh. You have proved to be a man of self control able to curb your obvious manly lusts. You have also earned her trust and respect. She will not be wary to come back and spend time with you, and that will prove to be her undoing in the end. She will keep coming over, and you guys will get more and more intimate until one day in a night of passion you will get to experience first hand 'the goodness of the Lord's creation'. Whatever fate befalls you after this night is between you and God. I have no part in this...I just gave the advice; it's you who actually did it.
Breed #3 The ghetto child: Many a man has emptied his wallets in a bid to capture this dangerous breed. This breed is very confusing in the fact they have all the traits that would ordinarily turn a man off. They smoke weed, drink alcohol like crazy, and curse more often than Richard Pryor and Lil' Kim's lovechild. But they have the one thing that makes a man overlook the flaws. The one thing that is the reason for many a broken marriage, many a ruined career and many child support lawsuits...the ghetto booty! This appendage of evil swings like a pendulum of lust. The sway of the ass has been known to entrance many men. Vice presidents of large corporations, rappers, ball players, and successful men across the country have traded it all for a taste of this forbidden fruit. The more famous names include: Shawn kemp, Michael Irvin and even the reverend Jesse Jackson. There must be something about a steady diet of fried chicken and 'kool aid' that causes ass to grow, because these girls have it and they know you want it. So what you gonna do nigga? Successful capture of a ghetto child can be a heavy strain on a man's pocket. The sight of that ass as it bounces up and down on you in the bedroom might mean it is money well spent. A very volatile breed. They will curse out ya mama, beat up your sister and seduce your cousin. But who cares? It's all about that booty right?
Where to find: Take a drive south of your city. It doesn't matter what city you live in the United States, south of it is the ghetto. The ghetto girl can be seen sitting outside on the porch talking on a cordless phone (not a cell phone, but a cordless). She can also be spotted at the local grocery store 'kickin it' with friends. Find the ghetto girl with a job at the local catfish and chicken place where she works. Most of them aint got no damn job, so just drive through the neighborhood; you should find quiet a few to pick from. The social security office on the day after welfare checks were to be mailed is another beehive of ghetto girl activity. Wherever you go, please be careful bro.
How to capture: It is almost useless to have long and detailed instructions on how to get a ghetto girl. The plain and simple truth is that they aint hard to capture. If you got nice job and you ballin', they will be all over you like flies around shit. If you just got a regular job and a beat up rust bucket of a car, they will want you because you at least got a job and you can offer those rides (the bus fare cuts into their 'crack' money. If you aint got no job and you ride the bus, they will still want you cause they home all day bored and horny. It don't matter what you do or who you are, you can capture a ghetto girl. But like with every species, there is a queen, and that is no exception with this breed. There is that one ghetto girl who is broke as hell and unemployed, but she really fine with a bangin' body and she knows it. She's the one who is a rap groupie and can tell you tales of her escapades with members of 'g-unit' and she got pictures to prove it. She's the one with total access to the 'White house' where she parties all night with members of the Dallas Cowboys. She is the one that takes some work to capture. First thing first bro, If you can't pay at least one of her many bills or get her "...hair and nails did" you got as much chance with her as Bill Bellamy has of winning an Oscar...none! So stick to Terekquia from apartment D1. To secure the ghetto queen takes money. It's just that simple.
Breed #4, The baby mama: The baby mama is an interesting species. They are known for always traveling with their young one in tow. The baby mama is the girl who has a tainted past, she made some mistakes and now she pushes it around in a stroller. The story is usually the same. She meets a playa, thinks she's in love, gives up the coochie, and gets pregnant, she tells homeboy about it, and he bounces. He's out. Now she stuck with a broken heart and a 2yr old. Some of then hate men and find it hard to trust. Despite the obvious problems a little kid can pose, some baby mama's are incredibly sexy and that makes it worth the effort. Baby mama's are dating for two; they are not out only for their own interest. They have a baby to think about so they're looking for a lover and father. You gotta pass the test with the little devil to stand a chance of getting at it's mama's coochie. A lazy, promiscuous bum like you is in no shape to be anybody's father; hell...you can barely take care of yourself. This is why you got this book, it is money well spent, because like with everything else, I will show you how to play if off.
Where to find: Hanging around the local day care centers will yield positive results. 'Rent' your little nephew for a day and take him to a McDonalds with a playroom or a Disney movie and you should find them in droves. Little league baseball, pee-wee football and soccer games will always have a ton of baby mamas.
How to capture: Let me open with the age old adage "The way to a baby mama's coochie is through her child." Truer words have never been spoken. You don't have a chance with the baby mama if you can't make a connection with her child. You must commit to buying toys and candy. You must put up with kicks in the shin and vomit stains on your shirt. You must smile every time you see the little devil. You must speak of the child only in positives. Little DeAndre isn't annoying, he's "...just a boy". When he's acting up, he's just "energetic", he's not a handful, and he’s just "a normal growing kid". Learn to use terms that put the child in a positive light and mom will start to see 'Fatherly' qualities in you. If possible, bribe the kid and get him to call you daddy. This will instantly melt his mother's heart and you can bet that as soon as DeAndre goes to bed, so will you and his mother, but for you guys, it wont be to sleep. You have to remember that you owe nothing to the baby mama. You don't need to feel guilty or conflicted. You got kids of your own that need to be taken care of, you cant play daddy to a kid that aint yours. If you're the kinda nigga that gets too easily attached, then the baby mama aint for you because all that will end up happening is that you get saddled with some other nigga's kid. The baby mama is a breed that is reserved for the heartless, stone cold brotha. She is reserved for the brotha that can keep his focus on the important things like a juicy booty, silky smooth thighs, and a great set of boobs. I repeat, it is not about the kid, it is not about love or anything like that. It is about getting you a nice piece of baby mama ass. Man up nigga!
Breed #5 The professional sista: There was a time when there was so few of this breed, that a brotha who sought the professional woman had to 'go white'. But thank goodness this is no longer the case. More and more black woman are breaking into corporate America and now there are literarily millions to choose from. The benefits of securing one of these strong, black women are immeasurable. Along with securing a co-signer for you brand new 'Hummer', the professional black woman also offers you a world of material and financial benefits that will have any brotha salivating. As if these were not enough, a relationship with a professional sista means crossing into a world of sexual adventure known as 'bad-day-at-the-office' sex. This is the kind of sex that only a professional sista can bring, it's the kind of sex that happens after a day of meetings gone bad, phones ringing off the hook, deadlines to meet. All that energy and frustration has to be let out one way or another. So buckle up you lucky bastard because tonight...she rides! Women in this breed, usually have professional success, all they need now is a good man to complete them. Most of them are so busy they don't have time to date and have convinced themselves they don't need a man. This of course, is bullshit. Time has taught us that every woman needs good loving and regardless of what they say, a woman is always seeking a good man. That 'good man' is not you. But it doesn't really matter, all you have to do is come off as that man and you can cruise down the sweet road known as 'easy street'
Where to find: There are a variety of places to meet the professional woman. Catch her on Friday unwinding at the local jazz club with her girlfriends. She has been spotted on Saturday nights as well dancing the weeks stress away. Another good place to lie in wait is at the downtown food spots around noon, this is when most professional women are on their lunch break and come out to grab a bite to eat. Come back around five and watch them head for their cars after a long day at the job. Where you decide to approach one depends on your strengths. The brotha who knows how to work the night spots and is a great sexy dancer should obviously wait till Friday or Saturday night to swoop. The man who is stronger with the spoken word and has charm as his best assets might want to slide up to the seat next to one while she's eating lunch.
How to capture: Many men believe to capture a sexy, strong professional woman; you have to be a sexy, strong professional man. This is very untrue, I won't lie to you, it improves your chances a great deal if you happen to be a partner at a law firm, a heart surgeon, or a computer engineer. But if you're not, you can still land yourself a member of this chic breed. Like I stated earlier, the kind of man you are will determine your approach. If you choose to approach one at the club, you must play to her lusts. Physical attraction is your best friend, you're going to be looking good, smelling good and on point. You must make her 'wet' on the dance floor. Move your hips, hold her close, and make her imagine what it would be like to have sex with you. The path to her heart in this case, starts between her legs, and when you get your shot, you gotta come strong bro. Do whatever it takes to give her an orgasm. Forget all that 'I-don't-go-downtown' crap get down there and eat it like its buffet catfish. Use every trick at your disposal to make it the best sex she's ever had and she's all yours. She will crave your touch as she sits at the next board meeting. Your call to say hello to her during her lunch break will have her sweating in anticipation of quitting time. For you my nigga, is a world of designer clothing, the keys to her apartment where you can chill and play 'Madden' football all day on Playstation and the knowledge of knowing you never have to pay at 'red lobster'.
If you are the nigga who plans to approach her at lunchtime however, you must play to her mind. Sit with her and make her laugh. Don't sit there talking about work, she's on her damn break! She gets to go back in an hour, so the last thing she needs is 'work talk'. After you get her number, give her a call that night; forget all that wait for two days nonsense. Calling her that night lets her know you're interested and you really like her. Lie to her about your big plans for the future; tell her how you're working hard to get your business off the ground. Make her understand that though you're broke right now, in the next couple of years you are going to 'blow up' and hit the big-time. Never go into too much detail about your plans. Just tell her it's something in computers you're working on with a friend and you don't really like to talk about it. You're superstitious and you don't want to jinx it. Now she thinks not only are you a sweet guy, but you're a sweet guy who is about to be a millionaire and she'll do what she can to 'support' you in the rough times so she can be there in the good times. Then you get the house keys and the clothes and the occasional help with your cell phone bill and car note. Two different paths, same results, pick yours, sit back, and enjoy the benefits...you lying bastard.
Breed #6: The cheating girl: The members of this breed are supposedly in a relationship, they tell you ..."I got a man" when you meet them but still flirt openly with you. Some of them are cross bred with the 'baby mama' but applying 'baby mama' rules will get you nowhere because in this case the baby daddy is still in the picture. This breed is the girls whose relationships have hit a lull or a comfort level. She and her man have done it all, they have had sex in every position they can dream up, and now things are getting old and boring. She needs new dick in her life, a different kind of nigga. If her man is short, she becomes attracted to tall men, if her man is light skinned; she gets weak in the knees when a dark skin brotha walks by. She loves her man, but she seeks adventure, a fling, something new and exciting. The great thing about this breed is that they require nothing but sex from you. They have a man who pays the bills and keep their hair and nails done so that you don't have to. Your role in her life to curl her toes and make her scream. A song on the Ice cube movie 'Playa club' soundtrack describes it perfectly. That song is called 'Splakaveli'.
Where to find: The cheating sistas can be found almost everywhere. Anywhere you can find the other breeds; there too you will find a cheating sista. The club is one of their favorite spots, they come there when their man is out of town to hunt down poor, unsuspecting niggas like yourself. They are usually there seeking the one night stand. Weather or not you can turn that into booty call depends on your sexual prowess.
How to capture: The most prized asset in seeking sexual thrills with someone already in a relationship is you ability to keep your mouth shut. If her man is a nigga you don't know, your chances improve a great deal because she knows as long as she doesn't slip up, her man will never find out. But if her man is a friend of yours or someone you know, a different set of rules apply. Boning your homies friend is a low and dirty deed and in many circles, it's considered the ultimate betrayal. Your ability to keep things on the down low is crucial not just for the girl, but for yourself as well. Along with being labeled as a bitch nigga, you also stand the risk of losing a friend, your legs, and depending on whom her man is, your life! The first thing you're going to have to establish is her trust. The easiest way to do this is by always saying as little as possible. Be a mystery to her, answer questions with as little detail as possible, never talk about your ex's or any woman in your past, and just come off like you're not much of a talker. Next time her man is out of town and she's horny as hell, guess who will be getting a call to come"...help change the light bulb in the bedroom?" Once you have sex with her, the door is now open. The thing about cheating is that it doesn't matter if you do it once or a hundred times, it's still cheating. So it makes no sense to hit it one time and then suddenly go on a guilt trip and put an end to it. That's just wack. It's like winning a prize of an all expenses paid trip to Europe and only staying a day. What's the point of that? You don't get to see the sights and travel the many countries having a blast. When it ends, you can walk away knowing you had the time of your life. Cheating is just like that, you can't do it just once. It defeats the whole purpose, so get in there and hit it like a champ nigga! You owe it to yourself.
Breed #7: The gold digga: This is the most dangerous and deadly breed alive today. This breed has the ability to take a man, suck out the contents of his pockets, and leave him with nothing but memories of what he once was. You think you got game? The gold digger can show you a thing or two. You think you got skillz? You aint seen nothing yet. God diggers are cold and calculating, incapable of compassion and feeling. If you got $20 left in your pocket that you need to buy your dying mother some medication, the gold digger will take it from you and get herself a BBQ chicken dinner. Your mama will die and she won't give a fuck, she'll complain you didn't give her $5 more so that she could get a beer to wash it down. This breed shows no mercy and none must be shown to them as well. True joy comes from beating a gold digger at her own game. Making her give you the coochie time and time again and giving her nothing but a big "kiss my ass" in return. Every once in a while a broke ass nigga can pull off the perfect deception and bag one of these girls. That lucky nigga could be you...here we go.
Where to find: Yo
The single nigga.
For those of you reading this chapter, let me start by commending you on your bravery. You are about to begin a journey so complex, so full of conflict and turmoil, it can make the Michael Jackson lifestyle desirable. To be a single black man in America is not an easy task. A nigga must take on the role of a skilled hunter. He must understand his prey and know what he needs to do to capture the woman of his choice. This is 2007 nigga, gone are the days when all you needed was a car and a jerry curl, today's black women seek more, they got their own shit. Some of them are even doing better than most niggas (see Oprah and Steadman, Whitney and Bobby, Tamia and Grant Hill). The first thing you're going to need to be successful, is a guide to the strange and exotic species known as the black woman. So far, 7 different breeds of the black woman are known to be in existence. Each needs to be handled differently. So without further ado, I present to you...
The black man's guide to the female jungle.
Breed #1 The 'Afro centric': Every black male who gets out at all will eventually come across of these at least once. You see them around all the time as this is a fast growing breed. They are the ones with the long thin braids that take hours to put in; the ones with beads hanging from their necks, and an impossible to pronounce name. They feel a strange connection to the 'motherland', and seek out knowledge about their roots. A possible example might be India Arie or Goapele. The afro centric woman has a lot of passion and holds the key to a world of sexual satisfaction beyond comprehension. They usually have little or no inhibitions, most are proponents of free love and see nothing wrong with purely physical relationships. They love with all their hearts, so be prepared to stick with them for a long ass time. Break their hearts and they usually break your neck. Make no mistake, they will burn your clothes, put sugar in your gas tank and e-mail pictures of you in a thong and holding a dildo to your employers. Approach with caution.
Where to find: Pay a visit to your local poetry club, you should find her reading her poem about starving kids in Africa. Hang around the salons that offer 'real African braids'. Go to reggae and Jazz concerts as there are an abundant number of them there. If all else fail, jump on a plane, and head to Africa.
How to capture: Approach her after her poetry reading and produce a fake picture (this can be cut out from a number of magazines) of a starving African child you have chosen to sponsor. Buy her a drink and discuss the growing need for democracy in Africa. You don't need an extensive knowledge of the issues, she'll do most of the talking, just agree with her and add "...you're so right...I feel the same way" from time to time. During the course of the night find a way to mention your Fela Anikulapo Kuti CD collection. She'll be impressed. Invite her over sometime to listen to it and she'll agree.
Decorate your apartment with a few African artifacts that can be procured at any flea market. Pass her wicked test of staying awake through a 2 hr BBC documentary about 'Farming practices in West Africa' and she'll all yours. Enjoy.
Breed #2 the 'choir girl': This breed is perhaps the most confusing of all the female breeds. Some of them have been cross-bred with another breed 'the freak' (which will be discussed soon), and it is sometimes hard to tell the difference. The cross-bred ones, are the girls have been spotted in the club on a Saturday night 'backing it up' and 'shaking it like a Polaroid picture'. Let me make this clear, these are not the real deal. The breed I am talking about is the original, true blue, God fearing, tongue speaking, dancing-down-the aisle choir girl. To capture a choir girl takes a great deal of patience and dedication, but trust me my friends...it's worth every second of it. Once captured, this breed has every tool needed to kill you with loving. They love to cook, love to sing, and once the choir robe comes off and the bedroom door is closed, they can make the sex scenes in 'Jason's Lyric' look like an episode of 'Sesame Street'. But to get to the bedroom is a long and tedious road most men fear to tread. It usually helps if you're a church going, God fearing young man. But if you aren't and you got your mind set on a choir girl, there are ways around that. (May God have mercy on you)
Where to find: It's Ironic how although this breed is one of the harder ones to capture, it's the easiest to find. Walk into any church service on a Sunday morning and you'll have several to choose from. You will have to commit to several Wednesday night bible studies and some Friday prayer meeting as this is your best chance to make contact.
How to capture: Like I said earlier, if you're already a 'believer', then hooking up with a choir girl should not be that hard. But if you're reading this book right now, chances are you're a heathen and you'll need to be a tad fake...ok maybe a whole lot fake. Be warned that what you are about to do is a very bad thing. You are about to weasel, lie and worm your way into the life of one of God's own children, and there is a chance you might be struck dead by lightening, but the payoff is worth it. First thing you need to do is obviously show up in church. Make sure you're looking good, dress yourself up a little bro. Uncle Ruben's pimp suit from the sixties isn't going to cut it this time. Pick a spot that allows you a good view of the choir so that you can select your target. This also allows your target to see you looking all good and sexy like a glass of raspberry iced tea on a hot summer day. Feel free to raise your hands in worship and expose your diamond bracelet (fake diamonds...but who cares?) Do your praise dance that involves subtle hip thrusting and ass shaking and watch the ladies in the choir sweat. This is called the 'planting of the seed'; now, the church ladies all know there is a fine new brotha in the congregation. I sometimes believe that more hook-ups have taken place in a church than any club in the country. The single sistas are always on the prowl for a nice, Christian brotha, and this is what you must become. After service, find the choir girl of your choice and compliment her on her singing, be brief and charming and remember to mention that you intend to be at Wednesday bible study to guarantee that she'll show up. Before you head out for fellowship with the brethren on Wednesday, make you you memorize a few verses of scripture so that you can sound like you're one of the chosen. I realize this might be impossible for some of you, because you have sinned so much handling the bible sends a sharp pain through your arm. For you guys I have gone to great lengths to come up with a few phrases that might help. Just memorize these, and say them from time to time and you should be fine.
1. "The Lord works in mysterious ways"
2. "In Jesus you will find ----------------" (insert whatever you want here. Joy, peace, hope, anything you feel is needed will fit in just fine.)
3. "We can never overstate the---------------- of the Lord" (one again insert a word there to suit the situation Mercy, goodness...whatever works)
At bible study, seek out your chosen choir girl and explain to her how you found the Lord. Make up a dramatic story about how you were once a bad boy, choir girls like reformed bad boys because they like the feeling of knowing you can 'flip the script' on them and show them a thing or two in the bedroom or the confession booth, whichever works for you. Tell how you happened to walk into church on Sunday and how you feel the spirit is telling you this should be your new church home. Tell her how the singing on Sunday brought tears to your eyes as you thought about how far you've come and how much the Lord has done for you. Then listen. Act interested in her. Let her tell you her own stories of salvation, try not to look bored as she gives you testimony after testimony and with each one, repeat phrase # 3 from above. You might have to stick out 2 straight weeks of bible study to build a relationship with your chosen choir girl. At this time, you are practically a church member, and its okay for you to ask her out on a date. Take her to a movie or something the first time and make sure you're a perfect gentleman. Any attempt to kiss her or get physical in any way and you're done. She'll label you a 'carnal' man out for only fleshy delights and you will need to start over in another church. All your good work is down the drain. The second date is where you want to strike. Invite her over to the crib for a night of bible study and devotion. Before she arrives, hide the TV, books or any other form of entertainment there is at the crib. Boredom in this case is your friend. After an hour or so of bible study, there will be nothing left to do, no TV to watch or Kirk Franklin CD's to listen to, just you and her. Talk to her for a few minutes and be as charming and sweet as you can be. By now her resistance is weakening and she's also bored to death. Kissing you is something to do, it beats sitting around staring at the walls, so by the time you make your move you should find receptive lips. Don't get too excited. you're not going to 'score' a choir girl that easy, she will eventually push you away when the kissing gets too intense and tell you she has to go and you are a temptation in her life. There is a possibility she will avoid you and it will be harder to get her alone again. So to avoid that, you must push her away first. You must be the one to give the speech about how bad a thing you're doing and how sorry you are you allowed yourself get carried away. You have shown her you're a man of principle, not a slave to your flesh. You have proved to be a man of self control able to curb your obvious manly lusts. You have also earned her trust and respect. She will not be wary to come back and spend time with you, and that will prove to be her undoing in the end. She will keep coming over, and you guys will get more and more intimate until one day in a night of passion you will get to experience first hand 'the goodness of the Lord's creation'. Whatever fate befalls you after this night is between you and God. I have no part in this...I just gave the advice; it's you who actually did it.
Breed #3 The ghetto child: Many a man has emptied his wallets in a bid to capture this dangerous breed. This breed is very confusing in the fact they have all the traits that would ordinarily turn a man off. They smoke weed, drink alcohol like crazy, and curse more often than Richard Pryor and Lil' Kim's lovechild. But they have the one thing that makes a man overlook the flaws. The one thing that is the reason for many a broken marriage, many a ruined career and many child support lawsuits...the ghetto booty! This appendage of evil swings like a pendulum of lust. The sway of the ass has been known to entrance many men. Vice presidents of large corporations, rappers, ball players, and successful men across the country have traded it all for a taste of this forbidden fruit. The more famous names include: Shawn kemp, Michael Irvin and even the reverend Jesse Jackson. There must be something about a steady diet of fried chicken and 'kool aid' that causes ass to grow, because these girls have it and they know you want it. So what you gonna do nigga? Successful capture of a ghetto child can be a heavy strain on a man's pocket. The sight of that ass as it bounces up and down on you in the bedroom might mean it is money well spent. A very volatile breed. They will curse out ya mama, beat up your sister and seduce your cousin. But who cares? It's all about that booty right?
Where to find: Take a drive south of your city. It doesn't matter what city you live in the United States, south of it is the ghetto. The ghetto girl can be seen sitting outside on the porch talking on a cordless phone (not a cell phone, but a cordless). She can also be spotted at the local grocery store 'kickin it' with friends. Find the ghetto girl with a job at the local catfish and chicken place where she works. Most of them aint got no damn job, so just drive through the neighborhood; you should find quiet a few to pick from. The social security office on the day after welfare checks were to be mailed is another beehive of ghetto girl activity. Wherever you go, please be careful bro.
How to capture: It is almost useless to have long and detailed instructions on how to get a ghetto girl. The plain and simple truth is that they aint hard to capture. If you got nice job and you ballin', they will be all over you like flies around shit. If you just got a regular job and a beat up rust bucket of a car, they will want you because you at least got a job and you can offer those rides (the bus fare cuts into their 'crack' money. If you aint got no job and you ride the bus, they will still want you cause they home all day bored and horny. It don't matter what you do or who you are, you can capture a ghetto girl. But like with every species, there is a queen, and that is no exception with this breed. There is that one ghetto girl who is broke as hell and unemployed, but she really fine with a bangin' body and she knows it. She's the one who is a rap groupie and can tell you tales of her escapades with members of 'g-unit' and she got pictures to prove it. She's the one with total access to the 'White house' where she parties all night with members of the Dallas Cowboys. She is the one that takes some work to capture. First thing first bro, If you can't pay at least one of her many bills or get her "...hair and nails did" you got as much chance with her as Bill Bellamy has of winning an Oscar...none! So stick to Terekquia from apartment D1. To secure the ghetto queen takes money. It's just that simple.
Breed #4, The baby mama: The baby mama is an interesting species. They are known for always traveling with their young one in tow. The baby mama is the girl who has a tainted past, she made some mistakes and now she pushes it around in a stroller. The story is usually the same. She meets a playa, thinks she's in love, gives up the coochie, and gets pregnant, she tells homeboy about it, and he bounces. He's out. Now she stuck with a broken heart and a 2yr old. Some of then hate men and find it hard to trust. Despite the obvious problems a little kid can pose, some baby mama's are incredibly sexy and that makes it worth the effort. Baby mama's are dating for two; they are not out only for their own interest. They have a baby to think about so they're looking for a lover and father. You gotta pass the test with the little devil to stand a chance of getting at it's mama's coochie. A lazy, promiscuous bum like you is in no shape to be anybody's father; hell...you can barely take care of yourself. This is why you got this book, it is money well spent, because like with everything else, I will show you how to play if off.
Where to find: Hanging around the local day care centers will yield positive results. 'Rent' your little nephew for a day and take him to a McDonalds with a playroom or a Disney movie and you should find them in droves. Little league baseball, pee-wee football and soccer games will always have a ton of baby mamas.
How to capture: Let me open with the age old adage "The way to a baby mama's coochie is through her child." Truer words have never been spoken. You don't have a chance with the baby mama if you can't make a connection with her child. You must commit to buying toys and candy. You must put up with kicks in the shin and vomit stains on your shirt. You must smile every time you see the little devil. You must speak of the child only in positives. Little DeAndre isn't annoying, he's "...just a boy". When he's acting up, he's just "energetic", he's not a handful, and he’s just "a normal growing kid". Learn to use terms that put the child in a positive light and mom will start to see 'Fatherly' qualities in you. If possible, bribe the kid and get him to call you daddy. This will instantly melt his mother's heart and you can bet that as soon as DeAndre goes to bed, so will you and his mother, but for you guys, it wont be to sleep. You have to remember that you owe nothing to the baby mama. You don't need to feel guilty or conflicted. You got kids of your own that need to be taken care of, you cant play daddy to a kid that aint yours. If you're the kinda nigga that gets too easily attached, then the baby mama aint for you because all that will end up happening is that you get saddled with some other nigga's kid. The baby mama is a breed that is reserved for the heartless, stone cold brotha. She is reserved for the brotha that can keep his focus on the important things like a juicy booty, silky smooth thighs, and a great set of boobs. I repeat, it is not about the kid, it is not about love or anything like that. It is about getting you a nice piece of baby mama ass. Man up nigga!
Breed #5 The professional sista: There was a time when there was so few of this breed, that a brotha who sought the professional woman had to 'go white'. But thank goodness this is no longer the case. More and more black woman are breaking into corporate America and now there are literarily millions to choose from. The benefits of securing one of these strong, black women are immeasurable. Along with securing a co-signer for you brand new 'Hummer', the professional black woman also offers you a world of material and financial benefits that will have any brotha salivating. As if these were not enough, a relationship with a professional sista means crossing into a world of sexual adventure known as 'bad-day-at-the-office' sex. This is the kind of sex that only a professional sista can bring, it's the kind of sex that happens after a day of meetings gone bad, phones ringing off the hook, deadlines to meet. All that energy and frustration has to be let out one way or another. So buckle up you lucky bastard because tonight...she rides! Women in this breed, usually have professional success, all they need now is a good man to complete them. Most of them are so busy they don't have time to date and have convinced themselves they don't need a man. This of course, is bullshit. Time has taught us that every woman needs good loving and regardless of what they say, a woman is always seeking a good man. That 'good man' is not you. But it doesn't really matter, all you have to do is come off as that man and you can cruise down the sweet road known as 'easy street'
Where to find: There are a variety of places to meet the professional woman. Catch her on Friday unwinding at the local jazz club with her girlfriends. She has been spotted on Saturday nights as well dancing the weeks stress away. Another good place to lie in wait is at the downtown food spots around noon, this is when most professional women are on their lunch break and come out to grab a bite to eat. Come back around five and watch them head for their cars after a long day at the job. Where you decide to approach one depends on your strengths. The brotha who knows how to work the night spots and is a great sexy dancer should obviously wait till Friday or Saturday night to swoop. The man who is stronger with the spoken word and has charm as his best assets might want to slide up to the seat next to one while she's eating lunch.
How to capture: Many men believe to capture a sexy, strong professional woman; you have to be a sexy, strong professional man. This is very untrue, I won't lie to you, it improves your chances a great deal if you happen to be a partner at a law firm, a heart surgeon, or a computer engineer. But if you're not, you can still land yourself a member of this chic breed. Like I stated earlier, the kind of man you are will determine your approach. If you choose to approach one at the club, you must play to her lusts. Physical attraction is your best friend, you're going to be looking good, smelling good and on point. You must make her 'wet' on the dance floor. Move your hips, hold her close, and make her imagine what it would be like to have sex with you. The path to her heart in this case, starts between her legs, and when you get your shot, you gotta come strong bro. Do whatever it takes to give her an orgasm. Forget all that 'I-don't-go-downtown' crap get down there and eat it like its buffet catfish. Use every trick at your disposal to make it the best sex she's ever had and she's all yours. She will crave your touch as she sits at the next board meeting. Your call to say hello to her during her lunch break will have her sweating in anticipation of quitting time. For you my nigga, is a world of designer clothing, the keys to her apartment where you can chill and play 'Madden' football all day on Playstation and the knowledge of knowing you never have to pay at 'red lobster'.
If you are the nigga who plans to approach her at lunchtime however, you must play to her mind. Sit with her and make her laugh. Don't sit there talking about work, she's on her damn break! She gets to go back in an hour, so the last thing she needs is 'work talk'. After you get her number, give her a call that night; forget all that wait for two days nonsense. Calling her that night lets her know you're interested and you really like her. Lie to her about your big plans for the future; tell her how you're working hard to get your business off the ground. Make her understand that though you're broke right now, in the next couple of years you are going to 'blow up' and hit the big-time. Never go into too much detail about your plans. Just tell her it's something in computers you're working on with a friend and you don't really like to talk about it. You're superstitious and you don't want to jinx it. Now she thinks not only are you a sweet guy, but you're a sweet guy who is about to be a millionaire and she'll do what she can to 'support' you in the rough times so she can be there in the good times. Then you get the house keys and the clothes and the occasional help with your cell phone bill and car note. Two different paths, same results, pick yours, sit back, and enjoy the benefits...you lying bastard.
Breed #6: The cheating girl: The members of this breed are supposedly in a relationship, they tell you ..."I got a man" when you meet them but still flirt openly with you. Some of them are cross bred with the 'baby mama' but applying 'baby mama' rules will get you nowhere because in this case the baby daddy is still in the picture. This breed is the girls whose relationships have hit a lull or a comfort level. She and her man have done it all, they have had sex in every position they can dream up, and now things are getting old and boring. She needs new dick in her life, a different kind of nigga. If her man is short, she becomes attracted to tall men, if her man is light skinned; she gets weak in the knees when a dark skin brotha walks by. She loves her man, but she seeks adventure, a fling, something new and exciting. The great thing about this breed is that they require nothing but sex from you. They have a man who pays the bills and keep their hair and nails done so that you don't have to. Your role in her life to curl her toes and make her scream. A song on the Ice cube movie 'Playa club' soundtrack describes it perfectly. That song is called 'Splakaveli'.
Where to find: The cheating sistas can be found almost everywhere. Anywhere you can find the other breeds; there too you will find a cheating sista. The club is one of their favorite spots, they come there when their man is out of town to hunt down poor, unsuspecting niggas like yourself. They are usually there seeking the one night stand. Weather or not you can turn that into booty call depends on your sexual prowess.
How to capture: The most prized asset in seeking sexual thrills with someone already in a relationship is you ability to keep your mouth shut. If her man is a nigga you don't know, your chances improve a great deal because she knows as long as she doesn't slip up, her man will never find out. But if her man is a friend of yours or someone you know, a different set of rules apply. Boning your homies friend is a low and dirty deed and in many circles, it's considered the ultimate betrayal. Your ability to keep things on the down low is crucial not just for the girl, but for yourself as well. Along with being labeled as a bitch nigga, you also stand the risk of losing a friend, your legs, and depending on whom her man is, your life! The first thing you're going to have to establish is her trust. The easiest way to do this is by always saying as little as possible. Be a mystery to her, answer questions with as little detail as possible, never talk about your ex's or any woman in your past, and just come off like you're not much of a talker. Next time her man is out of town and she's horny as hell, guess who will be getting a call to come"...help change the light bulb in the bedroom?" Once you have sex with her, the door is now open. The thing about cheating is that it doesn't matter if you do it once or a hundred times, it's still cheating. So it makes no sense to hit it one time and then suddenly go on a guilt trip and put an end to it. That's just wack. It's like winning a prize of an all expenses paid trip to Europe and only staying a day. What's the point of that? You don't get to see the sights and travel the many countries having a blast. When it ends, you can walk away knowing you had the time of your life. Cheating is just like that, you can't do it just once. It defeats the whole purpose, so get in there and hit it like a champ nigga! You owe it to yourself.
Breed #7: The gold digga: This is the most dangerous and deadly breed alive today. This breed has the ability to take a man, suck out the contents of his pockets, and leave him with nothing but memories of what he once was. You think you got game? The gold digger can show you a thing or two. You think you got skillz? You aint seen nothing yet. God diggers are cold and calculating, incapable of compassion and feeling. If you got $20 left in your pocket that you need to buy your dying mother some medication, the gold digger will take it from you and get herself a BBQ chicken dinner. Your mama will die and she won't give a fuck, she'll complain you didn't give her $5 more so that she could get a beer to wash it down. This breed shows no mercy and none must be shown to them as well. True joy comes from beating a gold digger at her own game. Making her give you the coochie time and time again and giving her nothing but a big "kiss my ass" in return. Every once in a while a broke ass nigga can pull off the perfect deception and bag one of these girls. That lucky nigga could be you...here we go.
Where to find: Yo
Da' crib
You can finally be your own man, in your own house, with the woman you loves and your kids. One big, happy family. Deciding where you wants to live will be a big decision for you. You have to take several things into consideration, along with the obvious issues of price and location, you will also need a place where you can blend in and not stand out too much. You must look like your environment, like Smokey Robinson at an Asian resturant. The one thing you must grasp is that your new position in life will no longer allow you live in the slums. There are different levels to housing and at different phases in life you move up the 'housing' ladder till you find yourself in a Shaq type house. Let me take some time to explain the lower 3 levels and then we can help you decide.
Level 1-The slums: This is the lowest level on the rung bro; it's just a notch above homelessness. It doesn't get any worse than this. Rats as big as dogs...roaches as big as rats. You share the bathroom facilities with five other tenants. Every single person who lives here is unemployed, most are fresh out of jail, and some are Mexicans that are fresh off a battle with border patrol. Is this the place for Andre? Hell no! He'd get his ass killed up in here. Niggas would steal you blind and eventually kill you to get your maroon colored Timberlands. But maybe you can live on...........
Level 2-The ghetto: The ghetto is a step up from the slums. The rats and roaches are a lot smaller, but still there. You get your own bathroom but half the time it's broken and good luck trying to get the landlord to fix it. Most people who live here work for minimum wage. Some of them are unemployed, but with income coming in from Uncle Sam, nothing much but enough to pay rent. Another name for this level is 'crack head row'. This is also not the right place for you and your family. Some crack head might break in and try and steal his TV. There would be some jealousy among the tenants...they would get in his face and try to test him ("You think you better than me nigga?") then one day, in a battle over some barbequed ribs, they would end up killing the man. Level 2? No way!! He may have better luck with....
Level 3-The hood: This is a significant step up from the ghetto. One might sometimes spot a rat or a roach, but it's pretty rare. The bathroom works and the landlord doesn't take as long...don't get me wrong, he's still going to take a hell of a long time to "take care of you", but the wait is not as bad as with the ghetto. Some of the 'hood' residents include the neighborhood 'pharmacist', the hair stylist, wannabe pimps and hustlers and some young workers. This is the ideal housing situation for you. You're around people who are for the most part on the same level as you, you can blend in. There is little or no jealousy cause some of the people who live here are probably doing better and making more money than you. They don't need your 24' TV...because niggas got the 50 inch. Finally you has found your 'housing level' and can settle in and concentrate on other things.
Now that you know where you should live, you need to take steps to ensure your living conditions are above mediocre. You must try and make your home as comfortable as possible to keep your girl happy. The better your crib is, the less chance of your girl getting suspicious of you should you decide to be a playa and sample other booty juices. Allow me to explain. Let us assume your crib is wack, all you has is a 12inch TV, a old loveseat and a cassette player. On the nights he claims to be working late but is really 'bumpin' and grindin' at Tameka's house, his girl is at home bored. And you know what they say about the idle mind and the devil's workshop. Because she's so bored, she gets the urge to call him up and 'chat'. He's not at work. She begins to get suspicious and eventually our wannabe playa will get caught. All because of a wack crib. Now let's say you use all at your disposal to 'hook up' your pad. Big screen TV, cable, CD changer, computer with internet connection and all that good stuff she never had living at his mama's house and decides he wants to 'work late'. His girl is home watching Dave Chappell after that she's reminded of the 'Good Times' marathon, she gets word of a new song by 'Ginuwine' and runs to the PC to download it, while there she's caught in a chat room and then it's back to the TV for a re-run of her favorite soap. She don't have time to miss the nigga, she's too busy with other stuff to worry about Andre's cheating ass and all because he took the time to make his crib nice.
Hooking up a crib is easier than most people think. You don't have to make tons of money to make your crib look nice; you just got to know how to find the good stuff. Keep your eyes open for garage sales; you'll be surprised how much good stuff you can find there for little dough. Go to apartment buildings in nice neighborhoods (i.e. white areas) and find the laundry room. When white folks are about to move away, they tend to sell off most of their really good stuff for cheap because they want to get rid of it all before they move. You'll be amazed how much great stuff you can find for very little. Take a bag of weed with you, white folks get really stupid when they're high and he might just give you all his shit for free. ("I like you man, you're way cool...I'll tell you what...I'll just give you all the stuff man...my people have done your people wrong. It's the least I can do") Also don't be scared to have your girl do some leg work. Women have some 'assets' that give them access to favors guys would never receive. Besides, she's going to live there too aint she?...she better get her ass out there and flirt her way to a big screen TV or at least a PlayStation 2 and a few games. Get friendly with the tech guys at work. That's not that hard to do, they are usually some nerds with no social life. Pretend to be his friend, take him to a strip club and buy him a lap dance, make him feel 'cool' for once in his life and he'll be eating right out of your hands. He'll keep you informed on any old PC's the company is trying to get rid of. He can help you salvage some of these parts and next thing you know, you've got your very own home computer. To get internet access, all you have to do is remember dates. Sign up for service; this usually comes with some free time. Enjoy all the free time and cancel. Move on to another provider and do the same. Keep doing that till you run out of providers, then start gain from the top. You should never have to pay a dime for the internet...it's your God given right as a black man. To anyone of you reading this book...if you pay for your internet service, you're a disgrace. Cable is pretty much standard. Every apartment complex has a disgruntled former cable company employee, who won't rest till every home in the complex has free cable! Call him up, have him hook it up, and proceed to enjoy free cable guilt free. It's sad how they treated your buddy. This is your way of protesting for all the wrongfully fired cable employees all over America...by watching free cable! Live it up, Enjoy, and by all means pass his number on to a few of your friends, so they too can support the cause.
We are all witnessing something so beautiful; it brings a tear to the eye. Just like yesterday, our man you waere a no good lay about. Now you got his own crib with a woman who loves you and he's steadily moving up. We shall return to him in a later chapter to further ease him up the 'success ladder'. But for now, I have to address the niggas who aint got love for their baby mama's. The men who decide to call it quits with their girl and venture into the dark and dangerous world of dating. The fools who have chosen to be................
Level 1-The slums: This is the lowest level on the rung bro; it's just a notch above homelessness. It doesn't get any worse than this. Rats as big as dogs...roaches as big as rats. You share the bathroom facilities with five other tenants. Every single person who lives here is unemployed, most are fresh out of jail, and some are Mexicans that are fresh off a battle with border patrol. Is this the place for Andre? Hell no! He'd get his ass killed up in here. Niggas would steal you blind and eventually kill you to get your maroon colored Timberlands. But maybe you can live on...........
Level 2-The ghetto: The ghetto is a step up from the slums. The rats and roaches are a lot smaller, but still there. You get your own bathroom but half the time it's broken and good luck trying to get the landlord to fix it. Most people who live here work for minimum wage. Some of them are unemployed, but with income coming in from Uncle Sam, nothing much but enough to pay rent. Another name for this level is 'crack head row'. This is also not the right place for you and your family. Some crack head might break in and try and steal his TV. There would be some jealousy among the tenants...they would get in his face and try to test him ("You think you better than me nigga?") then one day, in a battle over some barbequed ribs, they would end up killing the man. Level 2? No way!! He may have better luck with....
Level 3-The hood: This is a significant step up from the ghetto. One might sometimes spot a rat or a roach, but it's pretty rare. The bathroom works and the landlord doesn't take as long...don't get me wrong, he's still going to take a hell of a long time to "take care of you", but the wait is not as bad as with the ghetto. Some of the 'hood' residents include the neighborhood 'pharmacist', the hair stylist, wannabe pimps and hustlers and some young workers. This is the ideal housing situation for you. You're around people who are for the most part on the same level as you, you can blend in. There is little or no jealousy cause some of the people who live here are probably doing better and making more money than you. They don't need your 24' TV...because niggas got the 50 inch. Finally you has found your 'housing level' and can settle in and concentrate on other things.
Now that you know where you should live, you need to take steps to ensure your living conditions are above mediocre. You must try and make your home as comfortable as possible to keep your girl happy. The better your crib is, the less chance of your girl getting suspicious of you should you decide to be a playa and sample other booty juices. Allow me to explain. Let us assume your crib is wack, all you has is a 12inch TV, a old loveseat and a cassette player. On the nights he claims to be working late but is really 'bumpin' and grindin' at Tameka's house, his girl is at home bored. And you know what they say about the idle mind and the devil's workshop. Because she's so bored, she gets the urge to call him up and 'chat'. He's not at work. She begins to get suspicious and eventually our wannabe playa will get caught. All because of a wack crib. Now let's say you use all at your disposal to 'hook up' your pad. Big screen TV, cable, CD changer, computer with internet connection and all that good stuff she never had living at his mama's house and decides he wants to 'work late'. His girl is home watching Dave Chappell after that she's reminded of the 'Good Times' marathon, she gets word of a new song by 'Ginuwine' and runs to the PC to download it, while there she's caught in a chat room and then it's back to the TV for a re-run of her favorite soap. She don't have time to miss the nigga, she's too busy with other stuff to worry about Andre's cheating ass and all because he took the time to make his crib nice.
Hooking up a crib is easier than most people think. You don't have to make tons of money to make your crib look nice; you just got to know how to find the good stuff. Keep your eyes open for garage sales; you'll be surprised how much good stuff you can find there for little dough. Go to apartment buildings in nice neighborhoods (i.e. white areas) and find the laundry room. When white folks are about to move away, they tend to sell off most of their really good stuff for cheap because they want to get rid of it all before they move. You'll be amazed how much great stuff you can find for very little. Take a bag of weed with you, white folks get really stupid when they're high and he might just give you all his shit for free. ("I like you man, you're way cool...I'll tell you what...I'll just give you all the stuff man...my people have done your people wrong. It's the least I can do") Also don't be scared to have your girl do some leg work. Women have some 'assets' that give them access to favors guys would never receive. Besides, she's going to live there too aint she?...she better get her ass out there and flirt her way to a big screen TV or at least a PlayStation 2 and a few games. Get friendly with the tech guys at work. That's not that hard to do, they are usually some nerds with no social life. Pretend to be his friend, take him to a strip club and buy him a lap dance, make him feel 'cool' for once in his life and he'll be eating right out of your hands. He'll keep you informed on any old PC's the company is trying to get rid of. He can help you salvage some of these parts and next thing you know, you've got your very own home computer. To get internet access, all you have to do is remember dates. Sign up for service; this usually comes with some free time. Enjoy all the free time and cancel. Move on to another provider and do the same. Keep doing that till you run out of providers, then start gain from the top. You should never have to pay a dime for the internet...it's your God given right as a black man. To anyone of you reading this book...if you pay for your internet service, you're a disgrace. Cable is pretty much standard. Every apartment complex has a disgruntled former cable company employee, who won't rest till every home in the complex has free cable! Call him up, have him hook it up, and proceed to enjoy free cable guilt free. It's sad how they treated your buddy. This is your way of protesting for all the wrongfully fired cable employees all over America...by watching free cable! Live it up, Enjoy, and by all means pass his number on to a few of your friends, so they too can support the cause.
We are all witnessing something so beautiful; it brings a tear to the eye. Just like yesterday, our man you waere a no good lay about. Now you got his own crib with a woman who loves you and he's steadily moving up. We shall return to him in a later chapter to further ease him up the 'success ladder'. But for now, I have to address the niggas who aint got love for their baby mama's. The men who decide to call it quits with their girl and venture into the dark and dangerous world of dating. The fools who have chosen to be................
Succeed at work (with minimal effort)
I realize some of you niggas are lazy as hell. As far as some of you are concerned, doing any of these things is "...too much damn work." All you want to do is sit at the crib, drink your malt liquor, and smoke some herbs. If you fall into this category, this book is not for you. But being the man that I am, I will still offer up some advice to help make your pathetically lazy life...well...pathetically lazy. Two words...'Uncle Sam'. You'd be amazed how many programs you qualify for if you tell a little lie and cheat just a little (Yep. It takes effort even to be lazy). Besides your regular unemployment checks and food stamps, you may qualify for disability, (remember you lost most of the feeling in your legs after you got that beat down from the police) subsidized housing, (get grandma to file the paperwork and proceed to 'pimp out' the crib. You can give her a room in the basement. She can't climb stairs anyhow).
Now for those who want to choose the path less traveled and actually get a job, I commend you because now you have become........................
CHAPTER TWO:
The working nigga.
So here you are, you finally got your ass off the couch and got a job. Be proud of yourself, you're on your way. As with everything else we've covered so far, you're going to once again make some decisions. Do you want to make a career out of this and climb up the ladder till you one day own your very own franchise? Or is this a stepping stone, a job you keep for a few months or a year and then move on to other things? Whichever way you decide to go, the goal is to get there with the least amount of effort possible. Anytime you can get paid for doing absolutely nothing or the very minimum is a good day. Why burst your ass for minimum wage and the occasional stolen chicken Mcnugget? It's not worth it bro. Working fast food is like slave labor, you work long and hard for very little compensation. It's like a slave who works hard all day in the cotton field and breaks the record for most sacks of cotton picked in a day only to find his reward is an extra helping of four day old molasses!
To make your transition from crew member to manager as easy as it can be, you need to apply some tactics. First thing you got to do is always look busy. Don't mistake this to mean be busy...no bro. Just 'LOOK busy. Walk around with a broom or a wipe cloth always in your hand. You aint gotta use it, but be sure you're carrying one whenever the store manager sees you. Every once in a while, pick up a piece of trash or wipe down a table. Also, you need to go to the manager from time to time and ask for work. This sounds counter-productive but trust me it's going to pay off. Make up something you just did that will take him too much of his time to actually go and check your work, then ask if there is something else for you to do, which of course, you will never do. Let me explain that further, you walks up to his boss and says "Wow...I just got done cleaning out the inside of the outside dumpster and was wondering if you have anything else you need done?" Notice how you pick a task that is almost impossible to verify. No manager is going to climb into the dumpster to make sure you really did the cleaning; he's just going to have to take your word for it. By asking what he wants done next, you do two things - First thing is he shows he's not afraid of hard work and you also puts the manager in a tight spot. Unless the manager is a former Nazi death camp officer, he not going to give Andre another tough task to do. When a guy tells you he just busted his butt in a dumpster, you don't follow that up by asking him to go scrub the floors. Chances are you will get something easy to do for the rest of the day and everyone is happy. The manager walk away thinking he has a hard working, dedicated employee and you get to slack off for another day.
Now that you have the respect of his boss, he'll have to milk it for all it's worth and keep finding ways to maintain the great confidence his boss has suddenly developed in him. The next step in the process is to align himself with a hard worker and get credit for the work done. There is usually a fresh Mexican immigrant working at most, if not all fast food restaurants. These guys are usually so grateful to finally be in America and working, that they will do almost anything for even less pay Than you. With such a man, you must become close. Make him feel comfortable and pretend like he's there to help him make the adjustment and show him the ropes. Once you get friendly, the manager will usually have you work with him and help him with tasks that need to be done. This is the ideal situation for our man Andre. This means he can practically go the whole day without having to actually lift a finger, just stand back and watch Manuel do all the work. You have to use some tact and make sure you're not just standing by leaning against a wall or something. Because you never know who's watching. Talk a lot...and make lots of gestures to give off the appearance that you're talking Manuel through the job (you can be saying lyrics from a Jay-Z song, just make it look good to anyone who might be watching), wait till the major work has been done then take over near the end. If the manager is going to come check up on you, it's usually after he expects the task to have been completed and guess who he's going to see working hard...yep!...good ol' dedicated Andre. Now you've shown the boss that not only can you work alone, but you also have what it takes to work as part of a team...you're a leader...a motivator...a team player. Not too bad for a lazy bum.
Now you've established that you can work hard, but what are you like at customer service? It wont mean much if you can do all the tasks you're assigned but cant get along with customers, because as we all know, fast food restaurants are customer driven. You can't gain love from customers by giving away free food, you'll eventually get busted, and everything you've built up will be destroyed. You need to use the resources at your disposal. Get friends and family to call every once in a while and compliment "...the tall guy with the bald head" (insert your own description here) and tell a tale about how great you were at helping them sort out a problem they had with an order. Have a friend come in and make a scene...complain about how his order is wrong and how people who work here never get things right. Have him finish with the words "...you guys are lucky you have you working here, when he takes my order I never have to check it 'cause he always gets it right". Then step in, apologize and offer to remake the order. The 'customer' immediately smiles and apologizes for his outburst. Everything appears to be fine once you step in...Once again you save the day. By now your stock is rising fast and word will begin to spread that you're about to make supervisor. To seal the deal, have a talk with the boss about your future. Tell him how much you enjoy working for him and how you want to reach new heights with the company. Re-assure him that you're in it for the long haul and you intend to make a career out of it. Then sit back and wait, in a week or two you should be assuming your new position as manager and a whole new world of opportunity opens.
How cool is this? Just a few pages ago, you were a lazy, good-for-nothing 'scrub' and now you’re a manager at the local fast food spot. His mama is proud of him, his homies are like "damn nigga...you a manager now?", and his baby mama acts like he's the best thing to come along since malt liquor. Now he's wearing 'the white shirt' and he doesn't even have to hide fries in his pockets anymore. The upside is great, but I have to tell you there is a downside to being a manager. As a regular crew member, you can fake a lot of things; you can pretend to do tons of stuff. But the sad thing about management is that you can't fake paperwork. It's either done or it's not. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. So for the bro who can hardly write his own name without making spelling errors or the man who thinks 'apostrophe' is his cousin's ex-girlfriend, you might want to reconsider accepting the management position. I said reconsider, not that it can't be done, because with a little savvy, most things can be done. That's the great thing about life, that's the best thing about America. It doesn't matter how untalented or unskilled you are, if you got a little smarts, you can go pretty far.
Ok then, so now you are a manager and things are pretty good. He soon realizes the volume of paperwork he needs to do, he has to make schedules and count cash every night. He's got to take inventory and monitor employee hours, and the volume of responsibility is wearing on him. This manager stuff is not what he thought it would be. The answer to Andre's problems? A protégée. A young nerdy white kid, a know-it-all who thinks he can do all things, preferably a high school senior. There are a lot of them around who get fast good jobs so they can earn enough money for the prom or to attend the next 'final fantasy' convention. Once the perfect candidate has been found and hired, he must be 'groomed'. Tell him there is something about him that stands out and that you believe he will make a great manager someday. Flatter him and tell him you will teach him how to do 'managerial' stuff so he's read once he gets promoted (the decision lies with the store manager, but you're sure it wont be long). Make sure the schedule is made for the protégée to work on the same days as you do and show him how to do all the stuff. When the time comes for the paperwork to be done, invite him in and tell him it's time for him to 'practice'. Time to take inventory? More practice for the kid. Scheduling? How else can he learn but by doing? Don't worry, the kid wont complain, he'll be too busy going home bragging about how he's doing great with management type activities, he wont even care that you spend the time he spends working talking on the phone with your dawgs about that hilarious 'Chappell's show' episode ("I'm Rick James bitch")
Now that you're a manager, you won't have the luxury of having family, and friends come in and flatter you with unmerited praise anymore, you will have to deal with real life pissed off customers. It will do you no good to 'keep it real' and cuss out a customer cause he called you a 'burger flipping nigger'...well, maybe that's a little too much, anyone call you that, you have the right to whoop his ass...no job is worth your dignity. But for the average customer who is mad because his double cheese burger had extra onions, mayo and no cheese when he had asked for no onions, mustard and extra cheese, you must handle him with tact. The most important asset you posses in 'burger conflict resolution' is the ability to be fake. Like I said, this is not a job for peeps who like to 'keep it real' cause that will only get you back where you started...broke, unemployed and on your mama's couch. Just learn how to smile when you feel like screaming, say 'I'm sorry' when you want to say "Fuck you", shake hands when you really feel like kicking ass and you'll be just fine. Don't get me wrong guys; the 'fake rule' in no way undermines your authority as a manager. You still run shit around there bro. You wear the big 'apron', you da man! Most restaurants have a policy that reserves the right to refuse service to anyone for whatever reason. So you don't need to take abuse all the time, you get enough from your mama and baby mama you don't need it on the job. So when someone walks in trying to feel too slick and yell at you...throw his ass out!...dang!...he's probably not going to spend more that $4.50 anyhow! All you need to do to turn your job into a career is to continue to do what you do and kiss ass every once in a while and opportunity will open up. You'll slowly move up the ladder till you one day become store manager at your own store. You are now the top gun, the money will be good enough to get your own crib and pay your baby mama child support. (You don't have to pay her a whole lot, but we'll talk about that in a later chapter)
You, however, dont want to stay working at fast food. You want to move on to bigger and better things, you wants a desk job, a job that will make you sound and look important in the hood. The key to finding such a job is networking. A lot of working professionals will come in to his fast food restaurant to grab a bite at lunchtime. This is when you have to be on point. You must tactfully work your magic by any means necessary. An extra slice of bacon, a few more chicken nuggets, or a large sized coke when a medium was paid for. At this point, it does not really matter because the stuff he's giving away aren't his and besides, he's about to leave anyway. Eventually, he will get on first name basis with some of the professional customers. At this point the seed has to be planted, you must start to make it clear that you are unhappy at your present job and would like to get something better, something that "...Is more tailored to my skills." You and I both know you aint got no damn skills nigga! but the customers don't know that. Besides, most jobs are given based on relationships with the employer and not on skills or qualification. There will be an opening, and Andre will be notified by his professional 'friends'. Obviously, it won't be a great job, but it will be better than you have right now. It might be a mail room gig or a stint answering phones or something similar to what he has at an office cafeteria. It's a step up and he gets to wear a tie to work. Imagine the envy of his homeboys when they see him ("Hey! Andre got like a real job yo") and the pride in his mama's voice as she tells the neighbors that her boy works for a big corporation in "...that big building downtown." Beats working for KFC any day buddy!
Now that Andre has a steady job, he will be able to move out and get his own crib. If he's truly in love with his baby mama, this will be a happy time for both. No more sneaking around waiting till his mama fall asleep to have sex, no more awkward positions in the bathroom. No more having to listen to the bed springs squeaking and mama screaming "right there papi" on the nights 'Uncle' Jose comes to visit.
Now for those who want to choose the path less traveled and actually get a job, I commend you because now you have become........................
CHAPTER TWO:
The working nigga.
So here you are, you finally got your ass off the couch and got a job. Be proud of yourself, you're on your way. As with everything else we've covered so far, you're going to once again make some decisions. Do you want to make a career out of this and climb up the ladder till you one day own your very own franchise? Or is this a stepping stone, a job you keep for a few months or a year and then move on to other things? Whichever way you decide to go, the goal is to get there with the least amount of effort possible. Anytime you can get paid for doing absolutely nothing or the very minimum is a good day. Why burst your ass for minimum wage and the occasional stolen chicken Mcnugget? It's not worth it bro. Working fast food is like slave labor, you work long and hard for very little compensation. It's like a slave who works hard all day in the cotton field and breaks the record for most sacks of cotton picked in a day only to find his reward is an extra helping of four day old molasses!
To make your transition from crew member to manager as easy as it can be, you need to apply some tactics. First thing you got to do is always look busy. Don't mistake this to mean be busy...no bro. Just 'LOOK busy. Walk around with a broom or a wipe cloth always in your hand. You aint gotta use it, but be sure you're carrying one whenever the store manager sees you. Every once in a while, pick up a piece of trash or wipe down a table. Also, you need to go to the manager from time to time and ask for work. This sounds counter-productive but trust me it's going to pay off. Make up something you just did that will take him too much of his time to actually go and check your work, then ask if there is something else for you to do, which of course, you will never do. Let me explain that further, you walks up to his boss and says "Wow...I just got done cleaning out the inside of the outside dumpster and was wondering if you have anything else you need done?" Notice how you pick a task that is almost impossible to verify. No manager is going to climb into the dumpster to make sure you really did the cleaning; he's just going to have to take your word for it. By asking what he wants done next, you do two things - First thing is he shows he's not afraid of hard work and you also puts the manager in a tight spot. Unless the manager is a former Nazi death camp officer, he not going to give Andre another tough task to do. When a guy tells you he just busted his butt in a dumpster, you don't follow that up by asking him to go scrub the floors. Chances are you will get something easy to do for the rest of the day and everyone is happy. The manager walk away thinking he has a hard working, dedicated employee and you get to slack off for another day.
Now that you have the respect of his boss, he'll have to milk it for all it's worth and keep finding ways to maintain the great confidence his boss has suddenly developed in him. The next step in the process is to align himself with a hard worker and get credit for the work done. There is usually a fresh Mexican immigrant working at most, if not all fast food restaurants. These guys are usually so grateful to finally be in America and working, that they will do almost anything for even less pay Than you. With such a man, you must become close. Make him feel comfortable and pretend like he's there to help him make the adjustment and show him the ropes. Once you get friendly, the manager will usually have you work with him and help him with tasks that need to be done. This is the ideal situation for our man Andre. This means he can practically go the whole day without having to actually lift a finger, just stand back and watch Manuel do all the work. You have to use some tact and make sure you're not just standing by leaning against a wall or something. Because you never know who's watching. Talk a lot...and make lots of gestures to give off the appearance that you're talking Manuel through the job (you can be saying lyrics from a Jay-Z song, just make it look good to anyone who might be watching), wait till the major work has been done then take over near the end. If the manager is going to come check up on you, it's usually after he expects the task to have been completed and guess who he's going to see working hard...yep!...good ol' dedicated Andre. Now you've shown the boss that not only can you work alone, but you also have what it takes to work as part of a team...you're a leader...a motivator...a team player. Not too bad for a lazy bum.
Now you've established that you can work hard, but what are you like at customer service? It wont mean much if you can do all the tasks you're assigned but cant get along with customers, because as we all know, fast food restaurants are customer driven. You can't gain love from customers by giving away free food, you'll eventually get busted, and everything you've built up will be destroyed. You need to use the resources at your disposal. Get friends and family to call every once in a while and compliment "...the tall guy with the bald head" (insert your own description here) and tell a tale about how great you were at helping them sort out a problem they had with an order. Have a friend come in and make a scene...complain about how his order is wrong and how people who work here never get things right. Have him finish with the words "...you guys are lucky you have you working here, when he takes my order I never have to check it 'cause he always gets it right". Then step in, apologize and offer to remake the order. The 'customer' immediately smiles and apologizes for his outburst. Everything appears to be fine once you step in...Once again you save the day. By now your stock is rising fast and word will begin to spread that you're about to make supervisor. To seal the deal, have a talk with the boss about your future. Tell him how much you enjoy working for him and how you want to reach new heights with the company. Re-assure him that you're in it for the long haul and you intend to make a career out of it. Then sit back and wait, in a week or two you should be assuming your new position as manager and a whole new world of opportunity opens.
How cool is this? Just a few pages ago, you were a lazy, good-for-nothing 'scrub' and now you’re a manager at the local fast food spot. His mama is proud of him, his homies are like "damn nigga...you a manager now?", and his baby mama acts like he's the best thing to come along since malt liquor. Now he's wearing 'the white shirt' and he doesn't even have to hide fries in his pockets anymore. The upside is great, but I have to tell you there is a downside to being a manager. As a regular crew member, you can fake a lot of things; you can pretend to do tons of stuff. But the sad thing about management is that you can't fake paperwork. It's either done or it's not. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. So for the bro who can hardly write his own name without making spelling errors or the man who thinks 'apostrophe' is his cousin's ex-girlfriend, you might want to reconsider accepting the management position. I said reconsider, not that it can't be done, because with a little savvy, most things can be done. That's the great thing about life, that's the best thing about America. It doesn't matter how untalented or unskilled you are, if you got a little smarts, you can go pretty far.
Ok then, so now you are a manager and things are pretty good. He soon realizes the volume of paperwork he needs to do, he has to make schedules and count cash every night. He's got to take inventory and monitor employee hours, and the volume of responsibility is wearing on him. This manager stuff is not what he thought it would be. The answer to Andre's problems? A protégée. A young nerdy white kid, a know-it-all who thinks he can do all things, preferably a high school senior. There are a lot of them around who get fast good jobs so they can earn enough money for the prom or to attend the next 'final fantasy' convention. Once the perfect candidate has been found and hired, he must be 'groomed'. Tell him there is something about him that stands out and that you believe he will make a great manager someday. Flatter him and tell him you will teach him how to do 'managerial' stuff so he's read once he gets promoted (the decision lies with the store manager, but you're sure it wont be long). Make sure the schedule is made for the protégée to work on the same days as you do and show him how to do all the stuff. When the time comes for the paperwork to be done, invite him in and tell him it's time for him to 'practice'. Time to take inventory? More practice for the kid. Scheduling? How else can he learn but by doing? Don't worry, the kid wont complain, he'll be too busy going home bragging about how he's doing great with management type activities, he wont even care that you spend the time he spends working talking on the phone with your dawgs about that hilarious 'Chappell's show' episode ("I'm Rick James bitch")
Now that you're a manager, you won't have the luxury of having family, and friends come in and flatter you with unmerited praise anymore, you will have to deal with real life pissed off customers. It will do you no good to 'keep it real' and cuss out a customer cause he called you a 'burger flipping nigger'...well, maybe that's a little too much, anyone call you that, you have the right to whoop his ass...no job is worth your dignity. But for the average customer who is mad because his double cheese burger had extra onions, mayo and no cheese when he had asked for no onions, mustard and extra cheese, you must handle him with tact. The most important asset you posses in 'burger conflict resolution' is the ability to be fake. Like I said, this is not a job for peeps who like to 'keep it real' cause that will only get you back where you started...broke, unemployed and on your mama's couch. Just learn how to smile when you feel like screaming, say 'I'm sorry' when you want to say "Fuck you", shake hands when you really feel like kicking ass and you'll be just fine. Don't get me wrong guys; the 'fake rule' in no way undermines your authority as a manager. You still run shit around there bro. You wear the big 'apron', you da man! Most restaurants have a policy that reserves the right to refuse service to anyone for whatever reason. So you don't need to take abuse all the time, you get enough from your mama and baby mama you don't need it on the job. So when someone walks in trying to feel too slick and yell at you...throw his ass out!...dang!...he's probably not going to spend more that $4.50 anyhow! All you need to do to turn your job into a career is to continue to do what you do and kiss ass every once in a while and opportunity will open up. You'll slowly move up the ladder till you one day become store manager at your own store. You are now the top gun, the money will be good enough to get your own crib and pay your baby mama child support. (You don't have to pay her a whole lot, but we'll talk about that in a later chapter)
You, however, dont want to stay working at fast food. You want to move on to bigger and better things, you wants a desk job, a job that will make you sound and look important in the hood. The key to finding such a job is networking. A lot of working professionals will come in to his fast food restaurant to grab a bite at lunchtime. This is when you have to be on point. You must tactfully work your magic by any means necessary. An extra slice of bacon, a few more chicken nuggets, or a large sized coke when a medium was paid for. At this point, it does not really matter because the stuff he's giving away aren't his and besides, he's about to leave anyway. Eventually, he will get on first name basis with some of the professional customers. At this point the seed has to be planted, you must start to make it clear that you are unhappy at your present job and would like to get something better, something that "...Is more tailored to my skills." You and I both know you aint got no damn skills nigga! but the customers don't know that. Besides, most jobs are given based on relationships with the employer and not on skills or qualification. There will be an opening, and Andre will be notified by his professional 'friends'. Obviously, it won't be a great job, but it will be better than you have right now. It might be a mail room gig or a stint answering phones or something similar to what he has at an office cafeteria. It's a step up and he gets to wear a tie to work. Imagine the envy of his homeboys when they see him ("Hey! Andre got like a real job yo") and the pride in his mama's voice as she tells the neighbors that her boy works for a big corporation in "...that big building downtown." Beats working for KFC any day buddy!
Now that Andre has a steady job, he will be able to move out and get his own crib. If he's truly in love with his baby mama, this will be a happy time for both. No more sneaking around waiting till his mama fall asleep to have sex, no more awkward positions in the bathroom. No more having to listen to the bed springs squeaking and mama screaming "right there papi" on the nights 'Uncle' Jose comes to visit.
Drugs, pimping and robbing
The drug dealer: You have chosen a dangerous and difficult road my friend. But I will try and help you make it less...huh...risky. First thing we have to address is your look. Anyone with any sense at all can spot a drug dealer from a mile away and it baffles me why cops have such a hard time getting it right. The guy who can afford several pagers and a nice car but somehow can't afford a home phone. You see him at the corner pay phone five or six times a day. Can you guess what he does for a living? No prizes on this one. You might as well wear a t-shirt that reads "The bitch of cell block B" cause that's what you're going to be when you get busted. It's 2004, and technology has become your best friend. Throw away all the old fashioned pagers and get a 2-way pager. This way you receive orders from the comfort of your home and you don't need to get up and go find a pay phone 'cause you can send delivery instructions right back on the 2-way.
Another issue is the delivery. It's too risky and the chance of being caught in possession is very high. You need a safer, more efficient way to get your drugs to your customers with minimal hassle. Kids are no longer a viable alternative, the cops are on to that gig, plus child labor laws keep getting stricter. If you can convince 'big momma' your 79yr old grandma to help ("hey big momma...wanna make a delivery for me? I got some extra strength 'Ben gay' for you when you come back") I doubt the old lady will make it back alive. Solution? Homing pigeons! Yes nigga...you read it right. Pigeons! These birds have a keen sense of direction and can find their way back home after the delivery. You don't need to give them a 'cut' of your earnings and best of all; I'd like to see the 'popos' pin a drug possession charge on a bird. Buy a dozen pigeons and get them trained. When all the details of an 'order' has been worked out and you got your scrilla in your pocket, get out your 'Pharmaceuticals' and tie a dime bag to the feet of each pigeon. The number of pigeons needed, will obviously depend of the size of the order. Release the birds and off they go to deliver your drugs...uh...I mean prescriptions to the desired location. No risks. No paper trail and best of all no cost.
The Pimp: Some of the greatest black philosophers and thinkers of our age, Big Daddy Kane, Ice-T, and Snoop Dogg, have all echoed the same sentiment "Pimpin' aint easy." Truer words have never been spoken. To be successful in this trade you have chosen, a young black man needs a sugar coated tongue, a kind heart and a mean ass backhand. The hard part is getting started and finding the girls to commit to you. You gotta start small and work your way up. Start with the neighborhood crack heads and homeless women. Clean her up, buy a sexy dress, and put her on the streets to "make you that money". Obviously, having the homeless and some crack heads as working girls will not bring in very much money. I doubt many guys are lining up to fuck the girl on the corner who keeps itching her face and ass or the one who leads them to a cardboard box minutes after she says "Lets go back to my place." The time will come that you need to step it up and get better quality women that can make you a whole lot more money. Don't even bother trying to hit up the strip clubs, every wanna-be pimp in town will be right there competing with you and as we know competition can get deadly or at least cost you a broken leg and a few cracked ribs. So you need to turn where few other people would dare...the college campus! Think about it for a second. These college girls are already wild and out of control, they sleep with strangers at will. You doubt it? Pay a visit to 'Black spring break' in Florida, 'Freaknic' in Atlanta or 'Kappa beach party' in Texas and see for yourself. If they're going to be freaks, they might as well get paid off it. Go to one of these events and holla at as many girls as you can. You have to talk to a lot of them because for every ten girls you spit game at, you might get just two to commit. It don't matter how tight your game is, that's just the way it is. Don't be scared to talk to the really fine ones, you'd be surprised to find the finest ones are the freakiest. Once you have assembled your harem, the next step is to beat them down mentally. It sounds harsh I know, but no girl with any self esteem is going to turn to a life of prostitution. You have to give them a reason to think there is no other way. She can't work at a restaurant because she'll never earn enough to finish school. Work at an office? Nope. They only hire blue-eyed blonde white girls. You have to make her believe you and you alone hold the key to a better life. It might seem hard now, but wait till I put you in 'Prada' and Chinchilla mink coats. Wait till you are driving the 2004 H2 hummer sitting on 24's. Once you got your girls, you need your clientele. This is actually the easiest part of all because history has taught us that guys love to fuck. Give us a half decent girl with a fat ass and we're ready to go. No hesitation. You once again will have to decide your level of comfort. If you're content with having the girls work the street corners and bring you back some change on a daily basis, by all means do that. Some of you might desire more and wants a higher class of customers and a lot more money. This will require you to dip into you piggy bank and find a nice location for the girls to live and where the customers can go and make 'house calls'. If you want to further broaden your horizons, you can set up web cams in the house and take your business to the web of sin and evil called the internet. Which ever way you decide to go is entirely up to you. I hope this info helps you get started. All I ask is for an 'all access' pass to the house.
The robber: First of all let me say...shame on you! There is nothing worse than having someone come take away something you've worked so hard to get. To steal from a man is one of the worst things you can do to him. It's despicable and unforgivable. Having said all that let me give you some pointers to make you a successful robber. The first and most important thing you got to do is decide what exactly you want to steal. It's bad enough you're a thief, but to be an indecisive thief is even worse. You got to specialize nigga! You can't be stealing cars one day and try to break into a house the next. You're asking for trouble because you won't be as good with one as you are with the other and eventually you'll fuck up and get caught. If you decide to steal cars, be the best damn car thief you can be. You have to decide if you're going to be the 'stop light' car thief or the 'parking lot' thief. The first one is the nigga that comes up to the old white man in the brand new Cadillac, points a gun in his face and tell him to "...get the fuck out." This is best for you if you aint good at all that technical shit and just want a car quick and easy. This is also the fastest way to get a vacation at the nearest maximum security prison. The parking lot thief requires some skill. You have to study, hang out with mechanics, and learn all you can about car alarm systems. The risk associated with this kind of car stealing is minimal but you got to know what you're doing. Nothing is more embarrassing than having to explain to the tough guys in jail that you were arrested trying to get into the car! If you decide you'd rather steal from homes, you have to pick your neighborhood very carefully. You can't pick an area that is too rich or too white. The cops patrol those areas like crazy and they have all those high tech security gadgets. Besides, what the hell would a black man be doing in that neighborhood anyhow? The cops would be on you like Ruben Studdard on a Twinkie. Pick a nice middle class area with diverse population. Avoid Mexican homes bro...Someone is always home....scratch that...a lot of people are always home. Unless you rolling in there with an army I suggest you stay away. Find a home occupied by a working couple and stake it out for a few days. Get to know their schedules. Once you get a working knowledge of what they do, you must decide if you want to rob the house while they are home or away. Obviously it's less risky to wait till the home owners are away and make your move but having them home while you rob has its advantages. If you go in alone, you run the risk of missing things the home owners can show you. They might have a safe with thousands of dollars hidden behind the picture of Grandma Eva and you'll never know. But if they home, you just need the right kind of 'persuasion' and they'll show you all the hidden treasures. If you're a house thief, be just that. Don't get distracted by other things, remember you're a thief not a rapist or a sadist. Don't use time intended for enriching yourself off the efforts of others to indulge your sexual needs. Focus on all the honies you'll be able to get with the money. Why risk getting caught cause Mrs. Homeowner got ghetto booty? It aint worth it bro, the only exception is if you ever break into a house and find Beyonce and Kellis having a slumber party, wearing tank tops and panties and having a water fight. An important thing to remember is to steal only stuff that is easily sold for cash and easy to carry. Don't bother trying to detach that 50inch plasma TV from the wall. Concentrate on cash and jewelry and leave all that stuff that might look nice but aint worth shit. The best robbers hardly ever have to resort to violence. If you find yourself constantly having to wrestle with the homeowner or get a baseball bat or frying pan upside your head, this might not be a wise career choice. You should be smooth and fast, the whole 'process' should never take more that 20 mins. The better you get, the less time you will need. Ok that's enough advice for you lowlife, I bet you stole your computer too didn't ya? Punk
Another issue is the delivery. It's too risky and the chance of being caught in possession is very high. You need a safer, more efficient way to get your drugs to your customers with minimal hassle. Kids are no longer a viable alternative, the cops are on to that gig, plus child labor laws keep getting stricter. If you can convince 'big momma' your 79yr old grandma to help ("hey big momma...wanna make a delivery for me? I got some extra strength 'Ben gay' for you when you come back") I doubt the old lady will make it back alive. Solution? Homing pigeons! Yes nigga...you read it right. Pigeons! These birds have a keen sense of direction and can find their way back home after the delivery. You don't need to give them a 'cut' of your earnings and best of all; I'd like to see the 'popos' pin a drug possession charge on a bird. Buy a dozen pigeons and get them trained. When all the details of an 'order' has been worked out and you got your scrilla in your pocket, get out your 'Pharmaceuticals' and tie a dime bag to the feet of each pigeon. The number of pigeons needed, will obviously depend of the size of the order. Release the birds and off they go to deliver your drugs...uh...I mean prescriptions to the desired location. No risks. No paper trail and best of all no cost.
The Pimp: Some of the greatest black philosophers and thinkers of our age, Big Daddy Kane, Ice-T, and Snoop Dogg, have all echoed the same sentiment "Pimpin' aint easy." Truer words have never been spoken. To be successful in this trade you have chosen, a young black man needs a sugar coated tongue, a kind heart and a mean ass backhand. The hard part is getting started and finding the girls to commit to you. You gotta start small and work your way up. Start with the neighborhood crack heads and homeless women. Clean her up, buy a sexy dress, and put her on the streets to "make you that money". Obviously, having the homeless and some crack heads as working girls will not bring in very much money. I doubt many guys are lining up to fuck the girl on the corner who keeps itching her face and ass or the one who leads them to a cardboard box minutes after she says "Lets go back to my place." The time will come that you need to step it up and get better quality women that can make you a whole lot more money. Don't even bother trying to hit up the strip clubs, every wanna-be pimp in town will be right there competing with you and as we know competition can get deadly or at least cost you a broken leg and a few cracked ribs. So you need to turn where few other people would dare...the college campus! Think about it for a second. These college girls are already wild and out of control, they sleep with strangers at will. You doubt it? Pay a visit to 'Black spring break' in Florida, 'Freaknic' in Atlanta or 'Kappa beach party' in Texas and see for yourself. If they're going to be freaks, they might as well get paid off it. Go to one of these events and holla at as many girls as you can. You have to talk to a lot of them because for every ten girls you spit game at, you might get just two to commit. It don't matter how tight your game is, that's just the way it is. Don't be scared to talk to the really fine ones, you'd be surprised to find the finest ones are the freakiest. Once you have assembled your harem, the next step is to beat them down mentally. It sounds harsh I know, but no girl with any self esteem is going to turn to a life of prostitution. You have to give them a reason to think there is no other way. She can't work at a restaurant because she'll never earn enough to finish school. Work at an office? Nope. They only hire blue-eyed blonde white girls. You have to make her believe you and you alone hold the key to a better life. It might seem hard now, but wait till I put you in 'Prada' and Chinchilla mink coats. Wait till you are driving the 2004 H2 hummer sitting on 24's. Once you got your girls, you need your clientele. This is actually the easiest part of all because history has taught us that guys love to fuck. Give us a half decent girl with a fat ass and we're ready to go. No hesitation. You once again will have to decide your level of comfort. If you're content with having the girls work the street corners and bring you back some change on a daily basis, by all means do that. Some of you might desire more and wants a higher class of customers and a lot more money. This will require you to dip into you piggy bank and find a nice location for the girls to live and where the customers can go and make 'house calls'. If you want to further broaden your horizons, you can set up web cams in the house and take your business to the web of sin and evil called the internet. Which ever way you decide to go is entirely up to you. I hope this info helps you get started. All I ask is for an 'all access' pass to the house.
The robber: First of all let me say...shame on you! There is nothing worse than having someone come take away something you've worked so hard to get. To steal from a man is one of the worst things you can do to him. It's despicable and unforgivable. Having said all that let me give you some pointers to make you a successful robber. The first and most important thing you got to do is decide what exactly you want to steal. It's bad enough you're a thief, but to be an indecisive thief is even worse. You got to specialize nigga! You can't be stealing cars one day and try to break into a house the next. You're asking for trouble because you won't be as good with one as you are with the other and eventually you'll fuck up and get caught. If you decide to steal cars, be the best damn car thief you can be. You have to decide if you're going to be the 'stop light' car thief or the 'parking lot' thief. The first one is the nigga that comes up to the old white man in the brand new Cadillac, points a gun in his face and tell him to "...get the fuck out." This is best for you if you aint good at all that technical shit and just want a car quick and easy. This is also the fastest way to get a vacation at the nearest maximum security prison. The parking lot thief requires some skill. You have to study, hang out with mechanics, and learn all you can about car alarm systems. The risk associated with this kind of car stealing is minimal but you got to know what you're doing. Nothing is more embarrassing than having to explain to the tough guys in jail that you were arrested trying to get into the car! If you decide you'd rather steal from homes, you have to pick your neighborhood very carefully. You can't pick an area that is too rich or too white. The cops patrol those areas like crazy and they have all those high tech security gadgets. Besides, what the hell would a black man be doing in that neighborhood anyhow? The cops would be on you like Ruben Studdard on a Twinkie. Pick a nice middle class area with diverse population. Avoid Mexican homes bro...Someone is always home....scratch that...a lot of people are always home. Unless you rolling in there with an army I suggest you stay away. Find a home occupied by a working couple and stake it out for a few days. Get to know their schedules. Once you get a working knowledge of what they do, you must decide if you want to rob the house while they are home or away. Obviously it's less risky to wait till the home owners are away and make your move but having them home while you rob has its advantages. If you go in alone, you run the risk of missing things the home owners can show you. They might have a safe with thousands of dollars hidden behind the picture of Grandma Eva and you'll never know. But if they home, you just need the right kind of 'persuasion' and they'll show you all the hidden treasures. If you're a house thief, be just that. Don't get distracted by other things, remember you're a thief not a rapist or a sadist. Don't use time intended for enriching yourself off the efforts of others to indulge your sexual needs. Focus on all the honies you'll be able to get with the money. Why risk getting caught cause Mrs. Homeowner got ghetto booty? It aint worth it bro, the only exception is if you ever break into a house and find Beyonce and Kellis having a slumber party, wearing tank tops and panties and having a water fight. An important thing to remember is to steal only stuff that is easily sold for cash and easy to carry. Don't bother trying to detach that 50inch plasma TV from the wall. Concentrate on cash and jewelry and leave all that stuff that might look nice but aint worth shit. The best robbers hardly ever have to resort to violence. If you find yourself constantly having to wrestle with the homeowner or get a baseball bat or frying pan upside your head, this might not be a wise career choice. You should be smooth and fast, the whole 'process' should never take more that 20 mins. The better you get, the less time you will need. Ok that's enough advice for you lowlife, I bet you stole your computer too didn't ya? Punk
Introduction/You gotta know your limitations.
Hey you! You found my blog...lucky you! As you can see my blog is titled "Get off your mother's couch." This blog is designed to do just that. Call it an advice blog for the young black male or any male for that matter. (If Dr. Phil and Dave Chappelle ever have a love child, this is the blog he'd write!) My blog will contain explicit language...some people will find it offensive, some will find it controversial, but everyone will agree it's ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!! Come back often because i will update this blog daily. Ok...now on to the fun stuff...chapter one in our process to turn lazy bums into successful members of society...with minimal effort! LOL
CHAPTER ONE:
A nigga gotta know his limitations.
There you are, a young black male in America. You want the American dream just like any other person in the country. The white (no pun intended) Pickett fence, a doting wife and 1.5 kids and you have the right to it. But you're black. I say it the way someone might say "That's a pretty wife you got there...but she a hoe." You may not be able to make a hoe a housewife, but you can sure make a black man successful. It's like the Nas song "I know I can"...we hear the kids sing in the chorus "I know I can be what I wanna be". It a strong message the thought of millions of black kids soaring high above the ghetto to achieve their dreams no matter how lofty is amazing...too bad it's bullshit. Let's face the facts...if you're a black in America, you can never be "all you wanna be"..., but you can get really close, and that my friends, is the first step. You got to realize your limitations and set your goals accordingly. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a nigga will get out there and overachieve and next thing you know we got an Oprah Winfrey or a Colin Powell. What are the chances of Shanequia the 'hair stylist' or Bubba the neighborhood 'pharmacist' getting there? Pretty damn near impossible! I'm not here to depress or discourage you, just here to keep it real. Oprah or Colin are few and very far between and that's the way it's going to be for a long time. For every NBA or NFL star there are 10,000 of us on food stamps. For every Denzel Washington, there are hundreds of Mr. Marcus'. For every 'Outkast' there are tens of Bobby Browns. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.
Knowing you won't get to millions and millions of dollars is not a bad thing. Actually it's pretty good; because it gives you time to concentrate on getting hundreds of thousands or for some of you tens of thousands. You have to define your level of success and go for it. Some of you might want to stop reading halfway through because you're comfortable with that level of achievement. Others will read on and desire more and still others will toss this book in the trash and wait patiently for Oprah's. To make this easily applied to your life, we're going to start at the bottom of the rung and work our way up...whatever level you're on will be covered. This is chapter one...we'll start with someone...lets call him Andre. Typical guy...24, lives at home with his mother, his baby mama and 2 kids. Prospects are not great. He has no job and pretty much no marketable skills (i.e. he cant play ball and he can't rap). We're going to help Andre get to the top. We're gonna watch him become a success story. You too can apply the 'Andre rules' to your life and get the same results because it will work for anyone who applies it correctly. So now we all know who we're working with, let us build this nigga up shall we? The first thing Andre is going to have to do is find a job and guess what he's going to have to do...yep! You're right...know his damn limitations! He's not going to get a great job...hell...he's not even going to get a good job. There are two things he can do...flip burgers or become a security guard. In spite of the stigma attached to working at the nearest burger bar, the constant teasing he's going to have to endure from friends and the dissing he will get from the honies, the fast food job is Andre's best bet. Allow me tell you why...working in fast good gives Andre access to something that will make a huge difference...free food! The ability to take home burgers, fries, and drinks is going to prove a very important asset in keeping peace in the home till he moves out. Piss off mom today? He brings her a double cheeseburger. Baby momma stressing him he doesn't take care of his kids? He reminds her of the 'happy meals' he's been bringing home the last two weeks. She's feeling neglected lately? Nothing says 'I love you' to a black woman better than bringing home the six piece fried chicken meal. Plus the fast food job offers him a chance to meet customers, who will play a vital role in helping him get a better job down the line and best of all; he saves a ton of money on grocery shopping. We will discuss that in further detail soon. I know some of you are thinking "Why I gotta get a fast food job? There is a lot of other ways I can make money". That is absolutely true. There are several ways a black man can make easy money and we all know what they are...ok lets all say it together...DRUGS, PIMPIN', and ROBBING. It's tempting I know, even when a black man is making a honest living that allows him to drive a nice car and wear nice clothes, we all know what the white folks are thinking don't we? "He's not a ball player, so he's gotta be a drug dealer, pimp, or thief." It's like a catch 22. Damned if you do and a fucking idiot if you don't. This book is written to teach you to get to the top the 'honest' way, the 'legal' way and the 'true' way. In no way do I condone resorting to any of these horrible, horrible things to make a quick buck. However, to make this blog a truly complete guide, allow me to offer up some suggestions should you choose these paths.
CHAPTER ONE:
A nigga gotta know his limitations.
There you are, a young black male in America. You want the American dream just like any other person in the country. The white (no pun intended) Pickett fence, a doting wife and 1.5 kids and you have the right to it. But you're black. I say it the way someone might say "That's a pretty wife you got there...but she a hoe." You may not be able to make a hoe a housewife, but you can sure make a black man successful. It's like the Nas song "I know I can"...we hear the kids sing in the chorus "I know I can be what I wanna be". It a strong message the thought of millions of black kids soaring high above the ghetto to achieve their dreams no matter how lofty is amazing...too bad it's bullshit. Let's face the facts...if you're a black in America, you can never be "all you wanna be"..., but you can get really close, and that my friends, is the first step. You got to realize your limitations and set your goals accordingly. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a nigga will get out there and overachieve and next thing you know we got an Oprah Winfrey or a Colin Powell. What are the chances of Shanequia the 'hair stylist' or Bubba the neighborhood 'pharmacist' getting there? Pretty damn near impossible! I'm not here to depress or discourage you, just here to keep it real. Oprah or Colin are few and very far between and that's the way it's going to be for a long time. For every NBA or NFL star there are 10,000 of us on food stamps. For every Denzel Washington, there are hundreds of Mr. Marcus'. For every 'Outkast' there are tens of Bobby Browns. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.
Knowing you won't get to millions and millions of dollars is not a bad thing. Actually it's pretty good; because it gives you time to concentrate on getting hundreds of thousands or for some of you tens of thousands. You have to define your level of success and go for it. Some of you might want to stop reading halfway through because you're comfortable with that level of achievement. Others will read on and desire more and still others will toss this book in the trash and wait patiently for Oprah's. To make this easily applied to your life, we're going to start at the bottom of the rung and work our way up...whatever level you're on will be covered. This is chapter one...we'll start with someone...lets call him Andre. Typical guy...24, lives at home with his mother, his baby mama and 2 kids. Prospects are not great. He has no job and pretty much no marketable skills (i.e. he cant play ball and he can't rap). We're going to help Andre get to the top. We're gonna watch him become a success story. You too can apply the 'Andre rules' to your life and get the same results because it will work for anyone who applies it correctly. So now we all know who we're working with, let us build this nigga up shall we? The first thing Andre is going to have to do is find a job and guess what he's going to have to do...yep! You're right...know his damn limitations! He's not going to get a great job...hell...he's not even going to get a good job. There are two things he can do...flip burgers or become a security guard. In spite of the stigma attached to working at the nearest burger bar, the constant teasing he's going to have to endure from friends and the dissing he will get from the honies, the fast food job is Andre's best bet. Allow me tell you why...working in fast good gives Andre access to something that will make a huge difference...free food! The ability to take home burgers, fries, and drinks is going to prove a very important asset in keeping peace in the home till he moves out. Piss off mom today? He brings her a double cheeseburger. Baby momma stressing him he doesn't take care of his kids? He reminds her of the 'happy meals' he's been bringing home the last two weeks. She's feeling neglected lately? Nothing says 'I love you' to a black woman better than bringing home the six piece fried chicken meal. Plus the fast food job offers him a chance to meet customers, who will play a vital role in helping him get a better job down the line and best of all; he saves a ton of money on grocery shopping. We will discuss that in further detail soon. I know some of you are thinking "Why I gotta get a fast food job? There is a lot of other ways I can make money". That is absolutely true. There are several ways a black man can make easy money and we all know what they are...ok lets all say it together...DRUGS, PIMPIN', and ROBBING. It's tempting I know, even when a black man is making a honest living that allows him to drive a nice car and wear nice clothes, we all know what the white folks are thinking don't we? "He's not a ball player, so he's gotta be a drug dealer, pimp, or thief." It's like a catch 22. Damned if you do and a fucking idiot if you don't. This book is written to teach you to get to the top the 'honest' way, the 'legal' way and the 'true' way. In no way do I condone resorting to any of these horrible, horrible things to make a quick buck. However, to make this blog a truly complete guide, allow me to offer up some suggestions should you choose these paths.
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